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Worst Moments in EDM History: Electric Zoo 2013

 

Worst Moments in EDM History : Electric Zoo 2013

You can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Burning up inside. Thirst rising and the situation uncompromising. They needed water to cool down. But unfortunately no one who cared was around. Two somber deaths occurred in Electric Zoo 2013, when MDMA (Molly) use caused a tragedy. Rampant open use of the drug Molly causing body temperature to accelerate, an inevitable catastrophe was brewing.

While more than a few featured artists wrote sorrow filled messages regarding the incident, their fans were much less forgiving.

One fan mentioned in a DNAinfo.com article had this to say: “If they cared about the concert-goers, they wouldn’t have canceled,” she said, adding that the festival was “just trying to look good for the mayor.” Others took to Twitter to display displeasure: “They could have at least attempted to tighten up security instead of CANCELING the whole damn day. #ezoo2013 #EZOO5 #idiots”. No remorse or regret. It could have been anyone.

A complete disaster occurred that day at Electric Zoo.

Yet, most fans failed to recognize their own mortality. Forget someone else’s. This could have been a time of self reflection. Instead it served as an ongoing symbol of the selfie ME-ME-ME era. Where people are more concerned with filling up hashtags for some likes than their own peers. After all, you can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Social media however, is not at fault. It is simply a microcosm, a reflection of our true self. It has given people a digital persona to release their inner thoughts out loud. No longer are they restricted by looking into the eyes of another. No longer judged as cruel or heartless. No.

There is no frown button online. No dislike one either for that matter. You can say what you want, when you want to. And even receive likes for it. Validation at discount rates. If this era’s generation could write #Whocares #Showgoeson and it was socially acceptable.. They would. They don’t care and they never have.

Maybe none of the generations of the past did either. But they didn’t get likes for saying so. They attended Woodstock not Electric Zoo. They wanted to meet people, not text ones they already knew. They took photos of the show, not themselves at it. Whatever the case.. Only one fact matters.

There will always be another three day pass, nothing can bring Jeffery and Olivia back.

Written by Nir Regev

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Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

Manly Role Model: Snake Plissken
Famous For: Escape from New York, Escape from L.A.

Snake’s Resume

Gents, take a peek into the life of a bloke who didn’t squander their time checking Facebook notifications. World War III renegade Snake Plissken, the youngest man to be decorated by a U.S. President. Two purple hearts in Leningrad and Siberia. It might seem like a crazy notion now, but in the 80s and 90s people used to go outside. And not just to check their smartphones at the mall. Yes, a couple of best bros might actually venture out to the scary alien landscape of Full Definition. Action was taken. Thanks to the internet, today a man is only as hardworking as the timing of their last wank. In other words, everybody’s asleep. Men have been in hibernation for the last decade.

Our film protagonists reflect this drowsy reality. With the lone exception of 24’s Jack Bauer. Gone are the days of a clear good and evil. Actions first, questions later? Quietly retired. In it’s place, a never-ending loop of second guessing that would make a Kardashian blush. Groupthink via status update. Snake Plissken saved the U.S. President in the amount of time most guys analyze if they texted the town bicycle back too quickly.

Let’s go vintage and rewind the tapes. Blockbuster style. Just kidding, we’re actually gonna do it. Let’s reminiscence about the fictional world of one of the last true manly role models. Call me Snake.

Snake in Diplomatic Negotiations
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken Negotiates

Pictured Above: Snake politely engages the enemy in diplomatic discourse. Vintage sanctions my friends! This is what red lines looked like in the 80s.

Snake Discusses Small Government
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

What we all secretly wanna say when one of those hassling interns blocks your path on the sidewalk with their clipboard. Can’t you see I’m going to the gym fucker?

A Manly AnswerManly Role Models: Snake PlisskenManly Role Models: Snake Plissken

A manly answer not only sounds good, it feels good. Simply think: ‘What would Snake do?’ In any and all situations.

Role Model. Hero. Whatever.
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

                                  Snake Plissken

Written by Nir Regev

Learn from Snake:
Escape from New York (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo in Blu-ray Packaging)John Carpenter’s Escape From L.A. [Blu-ray]

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Beards Slow Down Ageing Process

George-Clooney-Ben-Affleck-BAFTA-beards

Drop that razor. Beards can protect you from the sun, prevent asthma attacks, and keep you from being a dateless wonder. New research conducted by leading British paper The Daily Mail suggests we’d all be better off with a little scruffiness.

Let’s take a look at the benefits of this groundbreaking BroScience!

1) Masculinity=Attraction

According to polls conducted by the brilliant minds at Evolution and Human Behavior, beards not only make you more seductive, but more likely to be a great parent.

Full-bearded men may be perceived as better fathers who could protect and invest in offspring.

Remember Papa Smurf? He had a beard. That’s what smurfed him apart from the rest of the Smurfs. A full beard can represent experience and maturity. A five o’clock shadow might indicate you’re able to have a kid but not quite ready for the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Kevin Federline had one of those and everything worked out just fine.. For KFed that is.

Women judged faces with heavy stubble as most attractive and heavy beards, light stubble and clean-shaven faces as similarly less attractive.

Guys with light stubble are perfectly well and good until the words ‘I’m Pregnant’ come into play. Then they bounce faster than Lindsay Lohan at a community service orientation. Probably south of the border. And not just a daily trip to Chipotle. We’re talking Speedy Gonzalez style, ‘I’ll be right back.. I uh- have to make a call.. Arribba!’ race on down. Women should naturally gravitate to the bearded man, as he’ll stay to pay alimony.

Masculinity ratings increased linearly as facial hair increased.

The bigger the beard, the more masculine you are! This doesn’t mean you neckbeards out there should keep going ‘Brooklyn’ style though. Try and actually trim those day-old Cheetos out.. Maybe leave one in, keep her guessing.

2) Beards Keep You Looking Younger

The hair stops water leaving the skin — keeping it moisturized — by protecting it from the wind, which dries the skin and disturbs the protective skin barrier, says Dr Lowe.

Like Samson before you, your manliness is dependent on avoiding shaving at all costs. Next time she prods and asks, ‘When are you shaving that thing off?’, just respond ‘Bitch you crazy? It’s the secret to my power!’ and prepare for the divorce settlement. At least, you’ll be protected from the wind.

Men have more hair follicles in this area than women do.

Generally, men are more proficient at growing beards than women are. Except the occasional Indian chick.

3) Allergen Repellent

Your nose hairs trap more than you think they do. Nose hairs trap pollutants that could actually cause your body harm. In theory, a moustache could stop things that trigger asthma entering the airways. but it would have to be a big one.
– Dr Felix Chua & Clifford W. Bassett, M.D.

Nose trimmer corporations better watch out! It appears all this time our nose hairs, beards, and ‘staches were protecting us! Pollen, trapped by your beard. Check. That hipster stache might be all that stands between you and a dangerous asthma attack. Gentlemen, the choice is clear. For the good of your health, let your beards run free and wild. Untamed, and uncensored.

Written by Nir Regev

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Top 10 Types of People on Facebook

1) The 10 out of 10

Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status.  Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.

2) Spamatron 5000

Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.

3) The Attention Whore

Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.

Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4) White Knight Virgin

Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.

Don’t end up like this guy:

5) Forever Alone

Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.

6) The Myspace Angle

Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.

7) Captain Deactivate

Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.

8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool

Before:

After:

How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.

9) Never Logon Dude

He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.

10) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.

-Written by Nir Regev

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Top 10 Mayonnaise Brands for White People

honey-boo-boo-mama-spots-mayonnaise

When we aren’t busy building empires, white people occasionally enjoy recreational activities like eating Mayonnaise.

It’s one of the few tried and true traditions we’ve kept and we’re not about to give it up. No sir! Mayonnaise represents the building blocks of white civilization. Our food palette simply can’t deal with soy sauce on everything, and besides soy has estrogen in it.

And we’re too manly for that, thanks. We’re not about to risk growing boobs because we stopped by P.F Changs once! Hot sauce? Nah. That’s just not for us, when white people talk about spicing things up, we mean not dousing everything in Ranch Dressing.

1) Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise

White People Cooking:
hellmanns-mayonnaise-white-people-cooking

White dishes have a very distinct flavor and taste. We really believe in things like rocking the boat and being different. We like to mix things up!

That said, let’s not go nuts! If it ain’t covered in Hellmann’s Original, the G.O.A.T of white taste and elegance, it may as well be Chinese. And we don’t speak Panda Express around these parts. If we do accidentally order take out, you can be certain we have some emergency Hellman’s Mayo fast food packets laying around. This is why all western ‘fusion’ Sushi is just code-word for the amount of added mayo.

White people using a unique blend of spices to create an artful dish:

Whew! That was a close one. Grandma can rest easy tonight.

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Hellmann’s contains eggs as an ingredient, which has protein. Protein builds muscle.”

 

 

2) Spectrum Canola Mayonnaise

Spectrum, a company concerned about the details of your health. But not so much details like spelling their products correctly:

spectrum-canola-mayonnaise-misspelling-comedy

Spectrum has long cornered the market on the organic free-wheelin’ modern day hipster. Promoting to millions a calmer, healthier mayo using Canola Oil.

Usually, you’ll spot its enthusiasts over at Whole Foods deciding which brand of stale Kale Chips to put it on. Probably, the brand that costs at least fifteen dollars. Not pictured above: recycled organic paper bag with “detachable” handles to carry your new Mayo in.

What Black People Use Organic Mayonnaise For:

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Was too busy buying quinoa to plant the yard. However, organic is always better. I’ve uh— read studies…”

 

 

3) Kewpie

Meanwhile in Japan:
Kewpie-Japan-Mayonnaise

Kewpie mayo, is unique in its added MSG content and exclusive use of egg yolks instead of whole eggs. A delicious healthy combination. It’s also famous for its iconic baby character, welcoming new borns to the exciting world of being really, really fucking fat.

Spectrum is already back to the drawing boards after this game changer!

The Japanese, one step ahead of the West in the Mayo game:

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Egg yolks have protein. Simply eat, take a multi, and ‘tren’ heavy in the gym.”

 

 

4) Miracle Whip

An Asian woman in a Miracle Whip ad. Quite a rare sight.
asian-in-miracle-whip-ad

Miracle Whip is the pauper Mayo when you’re at the super market and they’ve somehow miraculously run out of Hellman’s. When such a tragedy has occurred you might try to fool others with the ‘Whip, but somehow they always find out. Like a fake Gucchi bag off of Times Square before it, Miracle Whip certainly looks like Hellman’s own. But do you truly want to risk it? Well, do you?

The 80s were a strange time:

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Put Miracle Whip in Hellmann’s jar and serve unsuspecting family for maximum trolling.”

 

 

5) Goya

Number of times Goya Mayonnaise has been bought over competing brand: Never.
goya-mayonnaise

Goya, a company known for its latin flavor decided to throw its own wrench into the lucrative mayo market. Little did they know what they were up against. Kind of like if white people were going to enter the Tostitos chip racket. Wait a second.. Frito Lay did do that! Clearly, Goya should read up on this.

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Bought, expecting salsa.”

 

 

 

6) Dukes

dukes-mayonnaise-food-truck

Duke’s Mayo food trucks  are about to storm America! White people weren’t content just buying mayo at the grocery store, or supermarket, or at fast food places, restaurants, gas stations, and everywhere else. They need it mobile in case of drastic measures! We can’t take a chance on having to put some other condiment on our picnic Wonderbread! Thank you very much!

Regular ole’ white person lunch. Probably an Irish fellow.
the-american-dream-mayonnaise-for-breakfast-lunch-and-dinner

Proper Usage of Duke’s Mayonnaise: On Everything.

“Or maybe even a chocolate cake”

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“One time as a youngster, I attempted to prank my friends and family. I covered every dinner dish on the table in mayo, half an hour before anyone sat…. But then they all liked it.”

 

7) Heinz Mayo

heinz-mayo-single-serve

Most people only recognize Heinz Mayo from fast food packets received at their local Subway. However, Heinz is actually one of the leading brands of mayo over in the U.K. Everything was going just dandy for Heinz overseas.. Until they decided to do an ad portraying two gay men with one as a New York style deli man with full on garb called “mom” by his children. “Ain’t you forgetting something” you hear him say as his partner comes over to give him a kiss.

The ad drew hundreds of complaints quickly and was pulled by Heinz. Only for the company to be looked at as Homophobic for pulling the ad. In the end, they offended both markets. Heinz was probably better off never releasing anything at all, as who really wanted to know the sexual views of their favorite food condiments.

The Heinz Mayo Ad pulled out in the U.K

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Protein.”

 

 

 

8) Kraft

Kraft Mayonnaise.. It’s always on sale.
kraft-mayonnaise-always-on-sale
Kind of like a cross between Mayo and Miracle whip. Kraft Mayo is right in the middle of most supermarkets, it’s not quite as good as Hellmann’s and not different enough for the Miracle chasers. So it’s on sale, permanently.

Only then will people consider going against the legacy of excellence Hellmann’s brings to the table. Kraft mayo is for when you’re down and out, eating ramen noodles on most days and mayo by itself the other ones. Claiming to look for a job online on Monster.com, but secretly playing Call of Duty instead when nobody’s looking.

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“New Discount: Buy 1 get 4 free…. Would still rather one jar of Hellmann’s instead.”

 

 

9) Baconnaise

baconnaise-and-baconnaise-light

It finally happened like some Canadian wet dream! Bacon and Mayo combined to create Baconnaise, and the most amazing part of it all. It’s vegetarian ready and kosher certified of all things. How mayo designed to taste like Bacon came up to be less calories than regular Mayo brands, and vegetarian and kosher ready, the world will never know.

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Why would vegetarians want to eat something imitating a meat product? Soy hot dogs have always been a curious wonder as well.”

 

 

10) Hair Mayonnaise
hair-mayonnaise
Looks like that girl on youtube was on to something after all. Mayo in hair seems sticky and pretty gross. But hey, at least its organic! No olive oil was spared. Mayo, the only food product that you can eat and fix your split ends with at the same time!

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip –

“Hair Mayonnaise! It’s what’s for dinner!”

 

 

 

-Written by Nir Regev

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Top 5 Worst Food Ideas

1) Heinz E-Z Squirt Ketchup

heinz purple ketchup

In the beginning there was ketchup, and it was red and it was all good.
Wait, this was no good at all! And so in the 90s ketchup turned purple, and
green, and everything in between! For months legions of people gathered
around the pearly gates of Heinz factory like the old wall in Jerusalem before it.

Praying that their fast food condiment lord and daddy, change the color of
their beloved ketchup to something that more closely resembled their childhood
Crayola box. And those prayers did not go unanswered, my friends! Heinz is
one of the people, afterall. Consider us to live in the A.EZ era. For After E-Z Squirt.
Never again will we walk the Earth and know the joy that is squirting purple goop on our French Fries! Let us remember the good times.

heinz ez squirt ketchup ad

*Still Better Than Hunt’s Ketchup

2) Cheetos Lip Balm

cheetos-lip-balm

Ready for that first kiss. Wonder what she’ll taste like? Will it be sugar and spice and everything nice? Or Cheetos flavor? Did you even have to ask? Snack and make out at the same time! That’s right for the first time Frito-Lay delivered the product Maybelline didn’t have the ovaries to release. Every girl’s dream!
Because what better way to make a kiss extra special, then to seal it with some cheese dust.

*It ain’t easy being cheesy.

3) Coors Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water

coors water

Poland Spring better watch out ’cause there’s a new sheriff in town! Everything looked smooth and crisp in the taste tests. Until volunteers realized they weren’t getting drunk at all. Straight from the Rocky Mountains came Coors first non-alcoholic drink, coincidentally tasting the same as it’s alcoholic drinks. Teenagers around the country were left devastated, out $4 bucks as they went back to pouring Vodka in their water bottles instead.

*Hundreds of kids thought they pulled a fast one at 7-11 with their fake ID. Maybe Coors won after all.

4) Gerber Singles

gerber singles

Finally out on your own? In college with the big kids?
Well, what better way to celebrate than with Gerber Singles?!
The first Gerber aimed at adults, particularly the 20-30 year old crowd. This was back during the 70s before hipsters. At the time, Gerber was still caught in a drug filled haze where creamed beef flavored Gerber was all the rage.

Really this product was released before it’s time. Hollywood Starlets happily scoop up the Gerber aisle at supermarkets these days to keep their figure, leaving a generation of children with the quality nutrition that can only be found on the dollar menu.

*Nowadays college aged males keep important food items like mustard in their fridge for sustenance. And nothing else!

5) Pepsi Blue

Pepsi Blue
If you ever wanted to see what your teeth would look like blue. This was your one shot! Coming out in 2002, an awkward phase of the early 2000s, this was the answer Pepsi had for Vanilla Coke. A carbonated version of Listerine, except no mouth wash would remove these inevitable stains. It was pure magic in a can! A sugar rush of epic proportions!

But really it tasted the way you’d imagine a blue colored version of Pepsi to taste like. Like a homeless man’s Hawaiian Punch on a bad day.

Actually that’s being too cruel to the homeless…
Even they wouldn’t resort to Pepsi Blue.

pepsi blue bottles
*Number of restaurants that ever served Pepsi Blue: 0

-Written by Nir Regev

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RoboBurger: Burger Robot Employees

Burger Robot - RoboBurger

Meet your replacement: Courtesy of Momentum Machines

Did you really think a career in the lucrative field of fast food would always be available to you? Well you were wrong my friends! The robots are coming, and they’re about to take your jobs. For years, the culinary acts of White Castle were looked at as a safe backup somewhere between entry to Columbia University and Lincoln Tech.

Times have changed! No longer can you expect to walk out with your Gibbs College Degree and expect to just serve whoppers for $7 dollars an hour. Those good times are in the past. There are now machines willing to do it for less. In fact, they’re even less self aware than Gibbs students because they’ll do it for free. We’re not even talking about a temporary internship. This time my friends, the robots will intern for an indefinite period. Forever. Burger robot employees are just more hard working.  They’re simply looking to support their families. The families of McDonalds Corp, Burger King, and Five Guys of course.

Who’s Doing This:

Momentum Machines, a company based out of California. They are looking to automate the burger process and have created the Alpha . Their machines are capable of of flipping over 360 burgers an hour. These burger robot employees are efficient, fast, and putting you out of work. Yes, for the first time outsourcing and elite high school recruiting are no longer necessary.

What You Should Do About It:

There are a few options. Go full blown Luddite and protest. Don’t buy from chains hiring burger robots. Apply to work for Momentum Machines.

How Tasty Will a Robot Burger be:

No worse than White Castle. Actually, maybe Momentum Machines might be on to something here. The robot future is bright my friends! RoboBurger is coming.

Odds Nothing Will Be Done:

1:1

Written by Nir Regev

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