Meet your replacement: Courtesy of Momentum Machines
Did you really think a career in the lucrative field of fast food would always be available to you? Well you were wrong my friends! The robots are coming, and they’re about to take your jobs. For years, the culinary acts of White Castle were looked at as a safe backup somewhere between entry to Columbia University and Lincoln Tech.
Times have changed! No longer can you expect to walk out with your Gibbs College Degree and expect to just serve whoppers for $7 dollars an hour. Those good times are in the past. There are now machines willing to do it for less. In fact, they’re even less self aware than Gibbs students because they’ll do it for free. We’re not even talking about a temporary internship. This time my friends, the robots will intern for an indefinite period. Forever. Burger robot employees are just more hard working. They’re simply looking to support their families. The families of McDonalds Corp, Burger King, and Five Guys of course.
Who’s Doing This:
Momentum Machines, a company based out of California. They are looking to automate the burger process and have created the Alpha . Their machines are capable of of flipping over 360 burgers an hour. These burger robot employees are efficient, fast, and putting you out of work. Yes, for the first time outsourcing and elite high school recruiting are no longer necessary.
What You Should Do About It:
There are a few options. Go full blown Luddite and protest. Don’t buy from chains hiring burger robots. Apply to work for Momentum Machines.
How Tasty Will a Robot Burger be:
No worse than White Castle. Actually, maybe Momentum Machines might be on to something here. The robot future is bright my friends! RoboBurger is coming.
Drop that razor. Beards can protect you from the sun, prevent asthma attacks, and keep you from being a dateless wonder. New research conducted by leading British paper The Daily Mail suggests we’d all be better off with a little scruffiness.
Let’s take a look at the benefits of this groundbreaking BroScience!
According to polls conducted by the brilliant minds at Evolution and Human Behavior, beards not only make you more seductive, but more likely to be a great parent.
Full-bearded men may be perceived as better fathers who could protect and invest in offspring.
Remember Papa Smurf? He had a beard. That’s what smurfed him apart from the rest of the Smurfs. A full beard can represent experience and maturity. A five o’clock shadow might indicate you’re able to have a kid but not quite ready for the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. Kevin Federline had one of those and everything worked out just fine.. For KFed that is.
Women judged faces with heavy stubble as most attractive and heavy beards, light stubble and clean-shaven faces as similarly less attractive.
Guys with light stubble are perfectly well and good until the words ‘I’m Pregnant’ come into play. Then they bounce faster than Lindsay Lohan at a community service orientation. Probably south of the border. And not just a daily trip to Chipotle. We’re talking Speedy Gonzalez style, ‘I’ll be right back.. I uh- have to make a call.. Arribba!’ race on down. Women should naturally gravitate to the bearded man, as he’ll stay to pay alimony.
Masculinity ratings increased linearly as facial hair increased.
The bigger the beard, the more masculine you are! This doesn’t mean you neckbeards out there should keep going ‘Brooklyn’ style though. Try and actually trim those day-old Cheetos out.. Maybe leave one in, keep her guessing.
2) Beards Keep You Looking Younger
The hair stops water leaving the skin — keeping it moisturized — by protecting it from the wind, which dries the skin and disturbs the protective skin barrier, says Dr Lowe.
Like Samson before you, your manliness is dependent on avoiding shaving at all costs. Next time she prods and asks, ‘When are you shaving that thing off?’, just respond ‘Bitch you crazy? It’s the secret to my power!’ and prepare for the divorce settlement. At least, you’ll be protected from the wind.
Men have more hair follicles in this area than women do.
Generally, men are more proficient at growing beards than women are. Except the occasional Indian chick.
3) Allergen Repellent
Your nose hairs trap more than you think they do. Nose hairs trap pollutants that could actually cause your body harm. In theory, a moustache could stop things that trigger asthma entering the airways. but it would have to be a big one.
- Dr Felix Chua & Clifford W. Bassett, M.D.
Nose trimmer corporations better watch out! It appears all this time our nose hairs, beards, and ‘staches were protecting us! Pollen, trapped by your beard. Check. That hipster stache might be all that stands between you and a dangerous asthma attack. Gentlemen, the choice is clear. For the good of your health, let your beards run free and wild. Untamed, and uncensored.
Girls can lead very active social lives on Facebook. Men can receive up to one notification a month from Candy Crush Saga.
Maintaining a Facebook profile for girls is a full time job. Imagine sifting through hundreds of adoring likes, messages, and lovable male desperation. It must get exhausting! So much so, many women will deactivate their Facebook if things get too hot. For men, it means logging on once a year to thank everybody for their birthday wishes.
Friend Zone Level 9000
Sometimes winning her heart means buying her a car. Being in the Friend Zone just isn’t good enough for some people. They want more. This is why plain old dinner dates don’t cut it anymore. If you aren’t secretly mortgaging your parent’s house to get that Like on Facebook from the girl of your dreams.. Well, you’re not even in the game. Step your game up!
This guy, Charm, is heading into new uncharted territory! A true American pioneer. Before guys just went into debt after marriage, now they’re doing it before the first date! Sign of the times, my friends.
Friendship anniversaries, because modern males are happy just standing next to a girl. Publicly Friendzoned guys used to aspire to just get a poke back in the early days of Facebook.
Now thanks to advances in technology, the whole world can be certain they’re not getting any! Whew, that was a close one. Thanks social media! #FriendZone
Every Guy on Facebook Ever
Guys love professing to girls how special, magical, and wonderful they are on Facebook. All, in the hope of the 0.0001% chance this will lead them to somehow getting laid. Without fail, every male in the history of Facebook is guilty of doing this. We can’t help it. It’s probably coded into our DNA.
Back in the old days, they called them gentlemen callers. They would drop by in a nice suit, chat a little with the parents, maybe bring some roses. In the modern day, guys count how many months they have left before they’re allowed to text back without looking too needy.
How guys really think:
Brad Tapped It
George Clooney never made hearts on Facebook to win over a girl. It’s very simple, if you think ‘What Would George Clooney do?’ and it doesn’t come up. Well, then it probably isn’t too great an idea.
Without a doubt, Nikki messaged Brad that very same night, and became his ‘special sweetie’. Whatever that means. There is only one time this kind of photo should see the light of day, we call this time: never.
Friendship Rings: Male Virginity Intact
Guys are always upping the bar and innovating. The dating game has been hit so hard recently thanks to recession, even friendship now requires a proposal. The sky truly is the limit. What’s next a best friend marriage? Best friend kids to raise? Best friend mortgages? George Clooney never gave out a friendship ring. In fact, he doesn’t give out any rings at all.
When we aren’t busy building empires, white people occasionally enjoy recreational activities like eating Mayonnaise.
It’s one of the few tried and true traditions we’ve kept and we’re not about to give it up. No sir! Mayonnaise represents the building blocks of white civilization. Our food palette simply can’t deal with soy sauce on everything, and besides soy has estrogen in it.
And we’re too manly for that, thanks. We’re not about to risk growing boobs because we stopped by P.F Changs once! Hot sauce? Nah. That’s just not for us, when white people talk about spicing things up, we mean not dousing everything in Ranch Dressing.
1) Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise
White People Cooking:
White dishes have a very distinct flavor and taste. We really believe in things like rocking the boat and being different. We like to mix things up!
That said, let’s not go nuts! If it ain’t covered in Hellmann’s Original, the G.O.A.T of white taste and elegance, it may as well be Chinese. And we don’t speak Panda Express around these parts. If we do accidentally order take out, you can be certain we have some emergency Hellman’s Mayo fast food packets laying around. This is why all western ‘fusion’ Sushi is just code-word for the amount of added mayo.
White people using a unique blend of spices to create an artful dish:
Whew! That was a close one. Grandma can rest easy tonight.
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“Hellmann’s contains eggs as an ingredient, which has protein. Protein builds muscle.”
2) Spectrum Canola Mayonnaise
Spectrum, a company concerned about the details of your health. But not so much details like spelling their products correctly:
Spectrum has long cornered the market on the organic free-wheelin’ modern day hipster. Promoting to millions a calmer, healthier mayo using Canola Oil.
Usually, you’ll spot its enthusiasts over at Whole Foods deciding which brand of stale Kale Chips to put it on. Probably, the brand that costs at least fifteen dollars. Not pictured above: recycled organic paper bag with “detachable” handles to carry your new Mayo in.
What Black People Use Organic Mayonnaise For:
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“Was too busy buying quinoa to plant the yard. However, organic is always better. I’ve uh— read studies…”
Meanwhile in Japan:
Kewpie mayo, is unique in its added MSG content and exclusive use of egg yolks instead of whole eggs. A delicious healthy combination. It’s also famous for its iconic baby character, welcoming new borns to the exciting world of being really, really fucking fat.
Spectrum is already back to the drawing boards after this game changer!
The Japanese, one step ahead of the West in the Mayo game:
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“Egg yolks have protein. Simply eat, take a multi, and ‘tren’ heavy in the gym.”
4) Miracle Whip
An Asian woman in a Miracle Whip ad. Quite a rare sight.
Miracle Whip is the pauper Mayo when you’re at the super market and they’ve somehow miraculously run out of Hellman’s. When such a tragedy has occurred you might try to fool others with the ‘Whip, but somehow they always find out. Like a fake Gucchi bag off of Times Square before it, Miracle Whip certainly looks like Hellman’s own. But do you truly want to risk it? Well, do you?
The 80s were a strange time:
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“Put Miracle Whip in Hellmann’s jar and serve unsuspecting family for maximum trolling.”
Number of times Goya Mayonnaise has been bought over competing brand: Never.
Goya, a company known for its latin flavor decided to throw its own wrench into the lucrative mayo market. Little did they know what they were up against. Kind of like if white people were going to enter the Tostitos chip racket. Wait a second.. Frito Lay did do that! Clearly, Goya should read up on this.
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“Bought, expecting salsa.”
Duke’s Mayo food trucks are about to storm America! White people weren’t content just buying mayo at the grocery store, or supermarket, or at fast food places, restaurants, gas stations, and everywhere else. They need it mobile in case of drastic measures! We can’t take a chance on having to put some other condiment on our picnic Wonderbread! Thank you very much!
Regular ole’ white person lunch. Probably an Irish fellow.
Proper Usage of Duke’s Mayonnaise: On Everything.
“Or maybe even a chocolate cake”
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“One time as a youngster, I attempted to prank my friends and family. I covered every dinner dish on the table in mayo, half an hour before anyone sat…. But then they all liked it.”
7) Heinz Mayo
Most people only recognize Heinz Mayo from fast food packets received at their local Subway. However, Heinz is actually one of the leading brands of mayo over in the U.K. Everything was going just dandy for Heinz overseas.. Until they decided to do an ad portraying two gay men with one as a New York style deli man with full on garb called “mom” by his children. “Ain’t you forgetting something” you hear him say as his partner comes over to give him a kiss.
The ad drew hundreds of complaints quickly and was pulled by Heinz. Only for the company to be looked at as Homophobic for pulling the ad. In the end, they offended both markets. Heinz was probably better off never releasing anything at all, as who really wanted to know the sexual views of their favorite food condiments.
The Heinz Mayo Ad pulled out in the U.K
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
Kraft Mayonnaise.. It’s always on sale.
Kind of like a cross between Mayo and Miracle whip. Kraft Mayo is right in the middle of most supermarkets, it’s not quite as good as Hellmann’s and not different enough for the Miracle chasers. So it’s on sale, permanently.
Only then will people consider going against the legacy of excellence Hellmann’s brings to the table. Kraft mayo is for when you’re down and out, eating ramen noodles on most days and mayo by itself the other ones. Claiming to look for a job online on Monster.com, but secretly playing Call of Duty instead when nobody’s looking.
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“New Discount: Buy 1 get 4 free…. Would still rather one jar of Hellmann’s instead.”
It finally happened like some Canadian wet dream! Bacon and Mayo combined to create Baconnaise, and the most amazing part of it all. It’s vegetarian ready and kosher certified of all things. How mayo designed to taste like Bacon came up to be less calories than regular Mayo brands, and vegetarian and kosher ready, the world will never know.
Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -
“Why would vegetarians want to eat something imitating a meat product? Soy hot dogs have always been a curious wonder as well.”
10) Hair Mayonnaise
Looks like that girl on youtube was on to something after all. Mayo in hair seems sticky and pretty gross. But hey, at least its organic! No olive oil was spared. Mayo, the only food product that you can eat and fix your split ends with at the same time!
In the beginning there was ketchup, and it was red and it was all good.
Wait, this was no good at all! And so in the 90s ketchup turned purple, and
green, and everything in between! For months legions of people gathered
around the pearly gates of Heinz factory like the old wall in Jerusalem before it.
Praying that their fast food condiment lord and daddy, change the color of
their beloved ketchup to something that more closely resembled their childhood
Crayola box. And those prayers did not go unanswered, my friends! Heinz is
one of the people, afterall. Consider us to live in the A.EZ era. For After E-Z Squirt.
Never again will we walk the Earth and know the joy that is squirting purple goop
on our French Fries! Let us remember the good times.
*Still Better Than Hunt’s Ketchup
2) Cheetos Lip Balm
Ready for that first kiss. Wonder what she’ll taste like? Will it be sugar and spice and everything nice? Or Cheetos flavor? Did you even have to ask? Snack and make out at the same time! That’s right for the first time Frito-Lay delivered the product Maybelline didn’t have the ovaries to release. Every girl’s dream!
Because what better way to make a kiss extra special, then to seal it with some cheese dust.
*It ain’t easy being cheesy.
3) Coors Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water
Poland Spring better watch out ’cause there’s a new sheriff in town! Everything looked smooth and crisp in the taste tests. Until volunteers realized they weren’t getting drunk at all. Straight from the Rocky Mountains came Coors first non-alcoholic drink, coincidentally tasting the same as it’s alcoholic drinks. Teenagers around the country were left devastated, out $4 bucks as they went back to pouring Vodka in their water bottles instead.
*Hundreds of kids thought they pulled a fast one at 7-11 with their fake ID. Maybe Coors won after all.
4) Gerber Singles
Finally out on your own? In college with the big kids?
Well, what better way to celebrate than with Gerber Singles?!
The first Gerber aimed at adults, particularly the 20-30 year old crowd. This was back during the 70s before hipsters. At the time, Gerber was still caught in a drug filled haze where creamed beef flavored Gerber was all the rage.
Really this product was released before it’s time. Hollywood Starlets happily scoop up the Gerber aisle at supermarkets these days to keep their figure, leaving a generation of children with the quality nutrition that can only be found on the dollar menu.
*Nowadays college aged males keep important food items like mustard in their fridge for sustenance. And nothing else!
5) Pepsi Blue
If you ever wanted to see what your teeth would look like blue. This was your one shot! Coming out in 2002, an awkward phase of the early 2000s, this was the answer Pepsi had for Vanilla Coke. A carbonated version of Listerine, except no mouth wash would remove these inevitable stains. It was pure magic in a can! A sugar rush of epic proportions!
But really it tasted the way you’d imagine a blue colored version of Pepsi to taste like. Like a homeless man’s Hawaiian Punch on a bad day.
Actually that’s being too cruel to the homeless…
Even they wouldn’t resort to Pepsi Blue.
*Number of restaurants that ever served Pepsi Blue: 0
Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status. Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.
2) Spamatron 5000
Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.
3) The Attention Whore
Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.
Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
4) White Knight Virgin
Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.
Don’t end up like this guy:
5) Forever Alone
Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.
6) The Myspace Angle
Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.
7) Captain Deactivate
Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.
8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool
How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.
9) Never Logon Dude
He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.
10) The Most Interesting Man in the World
Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.
You see that woman up there? Her name is Diana Nyad, and she just swam 110 miles from Cuba all the way to the shores of Key West Florida. She accomplished the feat in a stunning 53 hours without breaks. Diana Nyad, is a winner. She didn’t quit when the going got tough. Not even close.
This mythical-like swim was her fifth attempt. First time she tried it, you ask? 28 years old, and here she is now at 64 years young, accomplishing human wonders. That is what excellence is. Why it’s never too late. Not at 28, 38, or 68. She is a testament to determination, to persistence, and dedication.
Most people would have given up after attempt number one, forget four previous attempts. One of which consisted of getting stung multiple times in the face by sting-rays. But Diana didn’t care, she didn’t listen to the nay-sayers. To the constant stream of negativity flowing out of people’s mouths on a daily basis. When they told her she can’t, she did.
All pioneers are considered ‘crazy’ at first.
Otherwise, you would never hear about them in the first place. They’d be sitting back giving themselves reasons not to do something. It’s too dangerous, or it’s not practical, or logical. It’s always easier to check your Facebook notifications than take risks and actually do something. Anything. But she wanted more. She had a dream. And nobody, not you, me, the doctors, family or anybody else was gonna tell her different.
Be like Diana Nyad. That doesn’t mean go swimming from Cuba to Florida tomorrow. It means: Do something, Anything. Today.
*Pictured Above: The newest in hipster invention and originality -
The PBR Lamp.
**Not Pictured Above: Political Science degree, Occupy Wall St. badge, and ‘temporary’ unemployment.
Because sometimes in life you’re just in-between things. Forever.
According to new research conducted by the fine folks over at Restaurant Sciences, prices of cheap beer are spiraling out of control. The reason? Pabst Blue Ribbon beer!
They are the reason why “sub-premium” beer prices in the city have climbed 9.4% in the last seven months, say Restaurant Sciences, which tracks food and beverage sales nationwide.
Yes, my friends, it’s finally happened! In the ultimate hipster irony, PBR has actually become too popular and mainstream! Other beer companies are now actively seeking to price themselves out of your wallet. America’s former favorites are taking their business elsewhere. To a new target market, one that actually has ten dollars in cash, not just on their parents debit card. No longer can a fresh college grad, simply put down his McDonald’s name tag and picket sign out on the street and grab a cold one.. Or even a warm one! Sorry Corona fans.
The Walmart Effect: Drink PBR, Live PBR
Dat poverty life is no doubt correlated to drinking can after can of PBR! 100% Foolproof my friends! Imagine, there you are a young lad suckered into drinking beer out of a can by your bearded ‘friends’. Before you know it, you yourself are donning a trucker hat, haven’t shaved in weeks, and getting mistaken for a hobo on a daily basis.
Young and impressionable you were, and just like that PBR becomes the only thing you can afford. You’ve been priced out of the market, suddenly you can only work jobs that can pay for your PBR. Since bars that sell PBR aren’t going for the high-end clientele, you meet a similar PBR wife at your new job as a PBR barback. She’s a little pudgy and her boobs are sagging all over the place, but in your PBR haze you don’t know any better. And then the time comes.. Your wife gives birth to a future hipster. Fulfilling the cycle of life. The hipster life. The horror. The unspeakable horror!
The Bearded Facts
According to an interview by leading scholarly paper the New York Daily News, the reason for PBR’s popularity is due to mainly one sole reason! Let’s take a look at what the Daily News’ finest uncovered. The infamous bearded facts with legendary local bartender Sam Rio:
PBR sells for $2 a can at the popular Welcome to the Johnson’s bar on the Lower East Side.
Sam Rio, bartender at Pete’s Candy Store in Williamsburg, said that’s the only reason to drink PBR.
“Personally, I think it tastes like s—,” said Rio, who sells it for $3 a can.”
There you have it! It may taste like PBR, but the cost is slightly less or equal to most consumers working wages.
Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. The reason you can’t afford shit.
PBR’s surging popularity has lead to complete economic disaster for students who once fathomed dreams! Dreams like affording a bottle of Stella Artois. Gone are the days when a young lad could just hop out with a 4 year degree and expect to purchases the luxuries in life!
“I believe the single biggest driver in sub-premium beer price increases is indeed specifically PBR,” said Chuck Ellis, who heads the research company. “It has become quite fashionable.”
Ellis reached that conclusion after his researchers tracked beer prices at 500 bars and restaurants across the city.
Researchers reason that since PBR has “become quite fashionable,” restaurants and bars feel justified charging more for it and other standard non-craft brews.
Best forget that Heineken and start saving up for a Corona… And even that is not safe. Or guaranteed. It’s time for a call to action! It’s time to Occupy Williamsburg!! We’ve suffered for way too long, my friends! Viva La Revolution!
Cat Ponders Murder of Owner. Euthanasia at work folks.
*Above cat was more masculine than a whole generation of hipsters. No beard needed.