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Top 10 Types of People on Facebook

1) The 10 out of 10

Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status.  Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.

2) Spamatron 5000

Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.

3) The Attention Whore

Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.

Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4) White Knight Virgin

Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.

Don’t end up like this guy:

5) Forever Alone

Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.

6) The Myspace Angle

Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.

7) Captain Deactivate

Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.

8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool

Before:

After:

How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.

9) Never Logon Dude

He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.

10) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.

-Written by Nir Regev

Worst Moments in EDM History: Electric Zoo 2013

 

Worst Moments in EDM History : Electric Zoo 2013

You can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Burning up inside. Thirst rising and the situation uncompromising. They needed water to cool down. But unfortunately no one who cared was around. Two somber deaths occurred in Electric Zoo 2013, when MDMA (Molly) use caused a tragedy. Rampant open use of the drug Molly causing body temperature to accelerate, an inevitable catastrophe was brewing.

While more than a few featured artists wrote sorrow filled messages regarding the incident, their fans were much less forgiving.

One fan mentioned in a DNAinfo.com article had this to say: “If they cared about the concert-goers, they wouldn’t have canceled,” she said, adding that the festival was “just trying to look good for the mayor.” Others took to Twitter to display displeasure: “They could have at least attempted to tighten up security instead of CANCELING the whole damn day. #ezoo2013 #EZOO5 #idiots”. No remorse or regret. It could have been anyone.

A complete disaster occurred that day at Electric Zoo.

Yet, most fans failed to recognize their own mortality. Forget someone else’s. This could have been a time of self reflection. Instead it served as an ongoing symbol of the selfie ME-ME-ME era. Where people are more concerned with filling up hashtags for some likes than their own peers. After all, you can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Social media however, is not at fault. It is simply a microcosm, a reflection of our true self. It has given people a digital persona to release their inner thoughts out loud. No longer are they restricted by looking into the eyes of another. No longer judged as cruel or heartless. No.

There is no frown button online. No dislike one either for that matter. You can say what you want, when you want to. And even receive likes for it. Validation at discount rates. If this era’s generation could write #Whocares #Showgoeson and it was socially acceptable.. They would. They don’t care and they never have.

Maybe none of the generations of the past did either. But they didn’t get likes for saying so. They attended Woodstock not Electric Zoo. They wanted to meet people, not text ones they already knew. They took photos of the show, not themselves at it. Whatever the case.. Only one fact matters.

There will always be another three day pass, nothing can bring Jeffery and Olivia back.

Written by Nir Regev

Hipsters Raising Cheap Beer Prices

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer - It has other Uses
*Pictured Above: The newest in hipster invention and originality –
The PBR Lamp.

**Not Pictured Above: Political Science degree, Occupy Wall St. badge, and ‘temporary’ unemployment.
Because sometimes in life you’re just in-between things. Forever.

According to new research conducted by the fine folks over at Restaurant Sciences, prices of cheap beer are spiraling out of control. The reason? Pabst Blue Ribbon beer!

They are the reason why “sub-premium” beer prices in the city have climbed 9.4% in the last seven months, say Restaurant Sciences, which tracks food and beverage sales nationwide.

Yes, my friends, it’s finally happened! In the ultimate hipster irony, PBR has actually become too popular and mainstream! Other beer companies are now actively seeking to price themselves out of your wallet. America’s former favorites are taking their business elsewhere. To a new target market, one that actually has ten dollars in cash, not just on their parents debit card. No longer can a fresh college grad, simply put down his McDonald’s name tag and picket sign out on the street and grab a cold one.. Or even a warm one! Sorry Corona fans.

The Walmart Effect: Drink PBR, Live PBR

Pabst Blur Ribbon - Coffee Drink

Dat poverty life is no doubt correlated to drinking can after can of PBR! 100% Foolproof my friends! Imagine, there you are a young lad suckered into drinking beer out of a can by your bearded ‘friends’. Before you know it, you yourself are donning a trucker hat, haven’t shaved in weeks, and getting mistaken for a hobo on a daily basis.

Young and impressionable you were, and just like that PBR becomes the only thing you can afford. You’ve been priced out of the market, suddenly you can only work jobs that can pay for your PBR. Since bars that sell PBR aren’t going for the high-end clientele, you meet a similar PBR wife at your new job as a PBR barback. She’s a little pudgy and her boobs are sagging all over the place, but in your PBR haze you don’t know any better. And then the time comes.. Your wife gives birth to a future hipster. Fulfilling the cycle of life. The hipster life. The horror. The unspeakable horror!

The Bearded Facts

Bearded Pabst Blue Ribbon PBR Beer Cans

According to an interview by leading scholarly paper the New York Daily News, the reason for PBR’s popularity is due to mainly one sole reason! Let’s take a look at what the Daily News’ finest uncovered. The infamous bearded facts with legendary local bartender Sam Rio:

PBR sells for $2 a can at the popular Welcome to the Johnson’s bar on the Lower East Side.

Sam Rio, bartender at Pete’s Candy Store in Williamsburg, said that’s the only reason to drink PBR.

“Personally, I think it tastes like s—,” said Rio, who sells it for $3 a can.”

There you have it! It may taste like PBR, but the cost is slightly less or equal to most consumers working wages.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. The reason you can’t afford shit.

pbr for life coors is too mainstream brah

PBR’s surging popularity has lead to complete economic disaster for students who once fathomed dreams! Dreams like affording a bottle of Stella Artois. Gone are the days when a young lad could just hop out with a 4 year degree and expect to purchases the luxuries in life!

“I believe the single biggest driver in sub-premium beer price increases is indeed specifically PBR,” said Chuck Ellis, who heads the research company. “It has become quite fashionable.”

Ellis reached that conclusion after his researchers tracked beer prices at 500 bars and restaurants across the city.

Researchers reason that since PBR has “become quite fashionable,” restaurants and bars feel justified charging more for it and other standard non-craft brews.

Best forget that Heineken and start saving up for a Corona… And even that is not safe. Or guaranteed. It’s time for a call to action! It’s time to Occupy Williamsburg!! We’ve suffered for way too long, my friends! Viva La Revolution!

Cat Ponders Murder of Owner. Euthanasia at work folks.

cat plots the end of hipsters

*Above cat was more masculine than a whole generation of hipsters. No beard needed.

Written by Nir Regev

Anyone Who Says Looks Don't Matter is Lying To You

There’s a crucial reason first impressions have become so vitally important in today’s world. The introduction of  the Internet from our computers into our phones, texting, and 24/7 availability has shaped a culture of ‘throw aways’. Companionship and even relationships have become disposable commodities.

There’s always someone else out there, so why sit down and get to know someone? We live in a culture of instant gratification. And there is nothing more instant than looks. Generalizations exist  because people don’t have time to spend time with everyone, so they fill in the blanks themselves.

It’s becoming increasingly easier in the modern age to not bother ever talking to someone on a personal level. You just click on a profile, glance at the one dimensional picture and various interests/likes and decide a whole reality. People think they are ‘connected’, but they are farther apart than they ever have been.

It’s a Facebook world, and people care more about their status updates than the welfare of another human being. Just this past Wednesday, TV icon Bill Nye ‘the Science Guy’, collapsed mid-sentence giving a lecture to an audience of hundreds at the University of Southern California.

Do you think students:

A. Rushed onstage to help?

B. Called emergency services?

C. Logged on Twitter and updated their statuses, while letting a man possibly die….

Sadly the answer is C.

Alastair Fairbanks, a USC senior in attendance for Nye’s presentation, told the Los Angeles Times that “nobody went to his aid at the very beginning when he first collapsed — that just perplexed me beyond reason.” The student added, “Instead, I saw students texting and updating their Twitter statuses. It was just all a very bizarre evening.”

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20101117/sc_yblog_thelookout/if-the-science-guy-passes-out-and-nobody-tweets-it-did-it-happen

Since Facebook/Twitter has reduced our social interactions into photos and streaming thoughts, we have no choice but to dive further into the superficial. In a Facebook world, people live behind a camera at all times, all events must be captured and shot in order to be uploaded online in a modern day version of ‘keepin’ up with the Joneses’.

The better looking the person, the more interesting the photos. Subconsciously an attractive person will look good doing anything, and this attribute will correlate to them  positively at other areas. This is where we will learn the importance of The Halo Effect.

Tomorrow, stay tuned for an introduction to The Halo Effect and how it affects our daily everyday lives!

-Nir Regev

What is BroScience?

Research takes time. Time people don’t have!

If you’re sitting in class right now secretly reading this on your laptop, take a look around. 99% of your classmates wouldn’t even read the cliff notes to Clifford the Big Red Dog. Lettuce be reality.

Say you had to write a 10 page essay on why ole’ Cliffy is so damn big, would you:

A. Visit the local library?

B. Read the material?

C. Hit up girls on Facebook till 4 in the morning. Find barely related quotes off reputable academic resources like AskJeeves. Copypasta. Nine pages double spaced. U mad?

If you chose C,

Congratulations Future Brofesor Brah!

You’re well on your way to a BroScience Ph.D in BS from the University of BroScience! Kudos!

*If you chose A or B, well I guess NASA is hiring, them and Starbucks. Guess which one you’ll be working for!

Here’s Some Cliffs:

BroScience is when someone makes an unsupportable claim, without evidence, support from academic institutions (well maybe Phoenix Online University) or backing from years of non-research.

It is speculation based on gut feelings, presented as fact. Originally coined in bodybuilding circles to explain superstition or progress.

Classic BroScience Examples:
Does eating late make me fat?
Does eating carbs make me fat?

Welcome to the world of BroScience!

-Nir Regev