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Comedy Gold

Top 10 Types of People on Facebook

1) The 10 out of 10

Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status.  Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.

2) Spamatron 5000

Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.

3) The Attention Whore

Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.

Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4) White Knight Virgin

Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.

Don’t end up like this guy:

5) Forever Alone

Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.

6) The Myspace Angle

Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.

7) Captain Deactivate

Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.

8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool

Before:

After:

How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.

9) Never Logon Dude

He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.

10) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.

-Written by Nir Regev

Top 5 Worst Food Ideas

1) Heinz E-Z Squirt Ketchup

heinz purple ketchup

In the beginning there was ketchup, and it was red and it was all good.
Wait, this was no good at all! And so in the 90s ketchup turned purple, and
green, and everything in between! For months legions of people gathered
around the pearly gates of Heinz factory like the old wall in Jerusalem before it.

Praying that their fast food condiment lord and daddy, change the color of
their beloved ketchup to something that more closely resembled their childhood
Crayola box. And those prayers did not go unanswered, my friends! Heinz is
one of the people, afterall. Consider us to live in the A.EZ era. For After E-Z Squirt.
Never again will we walk the Earth and know the joy that is squirting purple goop on our French Fries! Let us remember the good times.

heinz ez squirt ketchup ad

*Still Better Than Hunt’s Ketchup

2) Cheetos Lip Balm

cheetos-lip-balm

Ready for that first kiss. Wonder what she’ll taste like? Will it be sugar and spice and everything nice? Or Cheetos flavor? Did you even have to ask? Snack and make out at the same time! That’s right for the first time Frito-Lay delivered the product Maybelline didn’t have the ovaries to release. Every girl’s dream!
Because what better way to make a kiss extra special, then to seal it with some cheese dust.

*It ain’t easy being cheesy.

3) Coors Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water

coors water

Poland Spring better watch out ’cause there’s a new sheriff in town! Everything looked smooth and crisp in the taste tests. Until volunteers realized they weren’t getting drunk at all. Straight from the Rocky Mountains came Coors first non-alcoholic drink, coincidentally tasting the same as it’s alcoholic drinks. Teenagers around the country were left devastated, out $4 bucks as they went back to pouring Vodka in their water bottles instead.

*Hundreds of kids thought they pulled a fast one at 7-11 with their fake ID. Maybe Coors won after all.

4) Gerber Singles

gerber singles

Finally out on your own? In college with the big kids?
Well, what better way to celebrate than with Gerber Singles?!
The first Gerber aimed at adults, particularly the 20-30 year old crowd. This was back during the 70s before hipsters. At the time, Gerber was still caught in a drug filled haze where creamed beef flavored Gerber was all the rage.

Really this product was released before it’s time. Hollywood Starlets happily scoop up the Gerber aisle at supermarkets these days to keep their figure, leaving a generation of children with the quality nutrition that can only be found on the dollar menu.

*Nowadays college aged males keep important food items like mustard in their fridge for sustenance. And nothing else!

5) Pepsi Blue

Pepsi Blue
If you ever wanted to see what your teeth would look like blue. This was your one shot! Coming out in 2002, an awkward phase of the early 2000s, this was the answer Pepsi had for Vanilla Coke. A carbonated version of Listerine, except no mouth wash would remove these inevitable stains. It was pure magic in a can! A sugar rush of epic proportions!

But really it tasted the way you’d imagine a blue colored version of Pepsi to taste like. Like a homeless man’s Hawaiian Punch on a bad day.

Actually that’s being too cruel to the homeless…
Even they wouldn’t resort to Pepsi Blue.

pepsi blue bottles
*Number of restaurants that ever served Pepsi Blue: 0

-Written by Nir Regev

Top 10 Types of Blinds for Nerds

1) First Day of College

It’s your first day of college and you’re ready for action! Are looks hurting your game with the ladies? Darken the place up and even the playing field with all new Roller Shades! Then when you ask that pretty redhead, “You wanna roll with this nightelf?” She’ll undoubtedly say yes.

2) Holidays

What better way to say season’s greetings than with your very own Darth Vader Blind set?!

Block out pesky sunlight the way only the dark side can. Be the envy of all your friends, nerds and hipsters alike! Simply buy some Roman blinds, D.I.Y spraypaint, and before you know it you too will be apart of society’s Imperial Elite.

*Emo glasses, skinny jeans, and unemployment sold separately*

3) On A Date

It’s your first time and it’s the most action you’ve gotten since carpel tunnel syndrome!

That’s right you have a date, but before you break out the Lord of the Rings DVD set, you might wanna set the mood just right with Honeycomb Shades.

Cause there’s  nothing sweeter than honey, mom told you about the birds and the bees, time to put this hypothesis to the test!

4) At The Office

“What are you doing in there?!” Getting bothered by your boss again?

Being accused of looking at internet pornography when you’re just playing World of Warcraft? Put down the Mountain Dew because you’re gonna want  All New 1 Inch Mini Blind designed for the Geek on a budget! Gain confidence and proudly yell to the world I have a 1 Inch Mini!

5) The Honeymoon

What better way to spend a honeymoon than with your first love, videogames?

Mario never judged you on looks, and neither will your blinds! Cause when you bask in the warm glow of Princess Toadstool you’re gonna want to focus on the pixels that matter and not the sun.

That’s why you need the essence of Wood.. Wood Blinds that is!! Never again will a spec of light fluster your casual Friday Night date with the Princess.

6) The College Mixer

Talk nerdy to her! It’s time to break out your vast knowledge of exotic cultures by showing your Bamboo Blinds! After all, she may come to your dorm room for the Dragon Ball Z but if you play your cards right she’ll stay for the bamboo!

7) Mom’s House

Who needs blinds when you live in your mom’s basement? Why you of course!

Get the feel of a realistic 3D world from the comfort of your basement with Darkening Mini Blinds! It’s almost like actually being upstairs!

8 ) At the Movies

Who needs to go thru the hassle of lines and confusion when you can watch movies from the comfort of your own home or basement!

13 dollars for a movie ticket? Pssh, you have Netflix and enough Hot Pockets to feed a small village in Africa!  Just remember to shield yourself from the sun’s violent rays and you too can live long and prosper.

9) Birthday!

Spend your birthday how it was meant:  In a Chucky Cheese custome!

That’s right you grew up going to Chucky Cheese to play videogames and eat pizza and now you’re going to play videogames and eat pizza.. But for minimum wage! Ah the joys of adulthood.

It gets hot in there! So protect yourself by casting a shadow over other youngsters dreams with Wood Blinds!

10) Bachelor Party

Cause every party is a Bachelor Party! That’s how you roll, so prepare for this summers get together with Summer Roller Shades! Because the only Vitamin D you’re getting this July is Sunny D.

-Written by Nir Regev


Top 7 Types of Kids at Restaurants

1) OMG Text Girl

Who are these kids texting, Obama? Cell phones are the worst things to happen to kids since child labor laws and Justin Bieber.

2) Anytime at California Pizza Kitchen

It always starts off the same, you book a nice romantic dinner for two and order. Sound good? Wrong! California Pizza Kitchen time bitch!!! Expect 500 kids to stampede in out of nowhere.

3) Mr. Class

In the 90s parents dressed up their kids with classy suits and bowties. In the 2000s they have fauxhawks, eyeliner, and their sisters jeans. Neither generation scored.

4) Master of Comedy

The master of comedy does not realize food is not for playing with, because kids these days are total dumbasses. 6000 kids googled instructions for ‘How to eat’ while you read this article.

5) Troll Baby

Troll baby is so alpha he can openly ruin your dinner from birth. WAHHHHHHHHHH!!! WAHHHHAAHAH! U Mad?

6 ) Like Father, Like Son

Nothing worse than a parent who joins in and tries to be a kid again. Kid at heart…. I’ll be over there calling security.

7) Hungry Boy is Hungry

These days a serving size means an entire table.

 

-Written by Nir Regev