Meet your replacement: Courtesy of Momentum Machines
Did you really think a career in the lucrative field of fast food would always be available to you? Well you were wrong my friends! The robots are coming, and they’re about to take your jobs. For years, the culinary acts of White Castle were looked at as a safe backup somewhere between entry to Columbia University and Lincoln Tech.
Times have changed! No longer can you expect to walk out with your Gibbs College Degree and expect to just serve whoppers for $7 dollars an hour. Those good times are in the past. There are now machines willing to do it for less. In fact, they’re even less self aware than Gibbs students because they’ll do it for free. We’re not even talking about a temporary internship. This time my friends, the robots will intern for an indefinite period. Forever. Burger robot employees are just more hard working. They’re simply looking to support their families. The families of McDonalds Corp, Burger King, and Five Guys of course.
Who’s Doing This:
Momentum Machines, a company based out of California. They are looking to automate the burger process and have created the Alpha . Their machines are capable of of flipping over 360 burgers an hour. These burger robot employees are efficient, fast, and putting you out of work. Yes, for the first time outsourcing and elite high school recruiting are no longer necessary.
What You Should Do About It:
There are a few options. Go full blown Luddite and protest. Don’t buy from chains hiring burger robots. Apply to work for Momentum Machines.
How Tasty Will a Robot Burger be:
No worse than White Castle. Actually, maybe Momentum Machines might be on to something here. The robot future is bright my friends! RoboBurger is coming.
You see that woman up there? Her name is Diana Nyad, and she just swam 110 miles from Cuba all the way to the shores of Key West Florida. She accomplished the feat in a stunning 53 hours without breaks. Diana Nyad, is a winner. She didn’t quit when the going got tough. Not even close.
This mythical-like swim was her fifth attempt. First time she tried it, you ask? 28 years old, and here she is now at 64 years young, accomplishing human wonders. That is what excellence is. Why it’s never too late. Not at 28, 38, or 68. She is a testament to determination, to persistence, and dedication.
Most people would have given up after attempt number one, forget four previous attempts. One of which consisted of getting stung multiple times in the face by sting-rays. But Diana didn’t care, she didn’t listen to the nay-sayers. To the constant stream of negativity flowing out of people’s mouths on a daily basis. When they told her she can’t, she did.
All pioneers are considered ‘crazy’ at first.
Otherwise, you would never hear about them in the first place. They’d be sitting back giving themselves reasons not to do something. It’s too dangerous, or it’s not practical, or logical. It’s always easier to check your Facebook notifications than take risks and actually do something. Anything. But she wanted more. She had a dream. And nobody, not you, me, the doctors, family or anybody else was gonna tell her different.
Be like Diana Nyad. That doesn’t mean go swimming from Cuba to Florida tomorrow. It means: Do something, Anything. Today.
Girls can lead very active social lives on Facebook. Men can receive up to one notification a month from Candy Crush Saga.
Maintaining a Facebook profile for girls is a full time job. Imagine sifting through hundreds of adoring likes, messages, and lovable male desperation. It must get exhausting! So much so, many women will deactivate their Facebook if things get too hot. For men, it means logging on once a year to thank everybody for their birthday wishes.
Friend Zone Level 9000
Sometimes winning her heart means buying her a car. Being in the Friend Zone just isn’t good enough for some people. They want more. This is why plain old dinner dates don’t cut it anymore. If you aren’t secretly mortgaging your parent’s house to get that Like on Facebook from the girl of your dreams.. Well, you’re not even in the game. Step your game up!
This guy, Charm, is heading into new uncharted territory! A true American pioneer. Before guys just went into debt after marriage, now they’re doing it before the first date! Sign of the times, my friends.
Publicly Friendzoned
Friendship anniversaries, because modern males are happy just standing next to a girl. Publicly Friendzoned guys used to aspire to just get a poke back in the early days of Facebook.
Now thanks to advances in technology, the whole world can be certain they’re not getting any! Whew, that was a close one. Thanks social media! #FriendZone
Every Guy on Facebook Ever
Guys love professing to girls how special, magical, and wonderful they are on Facebook. All, in the hope of the 0.0001% chance this will lead them to somehow getting laid. Without fail, every male in the history of Facebook is guilty of doing this. We can’t help it. It’s probably coded into our DNA.
Back in the old days, they called them gentlemen callers. They would drop by in a nice suit, chat a little with the parents, maybe bring some roses. In the modern day, guys count how many months they have left before they’re allowed to text back without looking too needy.
How guys really think:
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCFB2akLh4s
Brad Tapped It
George Clooney never made hearts on Facebook to win over a girl. It’s very simple, if you think ‘What Would George Clooney do?’ and it doesn’t come up. Well, then it probably isn’t too great an idea.
Without a doubt, Nikki messaged Brad that very same night, and became his ‘special sweetie’. Whatever that means. There is only one time this kind of photo should see the light of day, we call this time: never.
Friendship Rings: Male Virginity Intact
Guys are always upping the bar and innovating. The dating game has been hit so hard recently thanks to recession, even friendship now requires a proposal. The sky truly is the limit. What’s next a best friend marriage? Best friend kids to raise? Best friend mortgages? George Clooney never gave out a friendship ring. In fact, he doesn’t give out any rings at all.
In the beginning there was ketchup, and it was red and it was all good. Wait, this was no good at all! And so in the 90s ketchup turned purple, and green, and everything in between! For months legions of people gathered around the pearly gates of Heinz factory like the old wall in Jerusalem before it.
Praying that their fast food condiment lord and daddy, change the color of their beloved ketchup to something that more closely resembled their childhood Crayola box. And those prayers did not go unanswered, my friends! Heinz is one of the people, afterall. Consider us to live in the A.EZ era. For After E-Z Squirt. Never again will we walk the Earth and know the joy that is squirting purple goop on our French Fries! Let us remember the good times.
*Still Better Than Hunt’s Ketchup
2) Cheetos Lip Balm
Ready for that first kiss. Wonder what she’ll taste like? Will it be sugar and spice and everything nice? Or Cheetos flavor? Did you even have to ask? Snack and make out at the same time! That’s right for the first time Frito-Lay delivered the product Maybelline didn’t have the ovaries to release. Every girl’s dream! Because what better way to make a kiss extra special, then to seal it with some cheese dust.
*It ain’t easy being cheesy.
3) Coors Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water
Poland Spring better watch out ’cause there’s a new sheriff in town! Everything looked smooth and crisp in the taste tests. Until volunteers realized they weren’t getting drunk at all. Straight from the Rocky Mountains came Coors first non-alcoholic drink, coincidentally tasting the same as it’s alcoholic drinks. Teenagers around the country were left devastated, out $4 bucks as they went back to pouring Vodka in their water bottles instead.
*Hundreds of kids thought they pulled a fast one at 7-11 with their fake ID. Maybe Coors won after all.
4) Gerber Singles
Finally out on your own? In college with the big kids? Well, what better way to celebrate than with Gerber Singles?! The first Gerber aimed at adults, particularly the 20-30 year old crowd. This was back during the 70s before hipsters. At the time, Gerber was still caught in a drug filled haze where creamed beef flavored Gerber was all the rage.
Really this product was released before it’s time. Hollywood Starlets happily scoop up the Gerber aisle at supermarkets these days to keep their figure, leaving a generation of children with the quality nutrition that can only be found on the dollar menu.
*Nowadays college aged males keep important food items like mustard in their fridge for sustenance. And nothing else!
5) Pepsi Blue
If you ever wanted to see what your teeth would look like blue. This was your one shot! Coming out in 2002, an awkward phase of the early 2000s, this was the answer Pepsi had for Vanilla Coke. A carbonated version of Listerine, except no mouth wash would remove these inevitable stains. It was pure magic in a can! A sugar rush of epic proportions!
But really it tasted the way you’d imagine a blue colored version of Pepsi to taste like. Like a homeless man’s Hawaiian Punch on a bad day.
Actually that’s being too cruel to the homeless… Even they wouldn’t resort to Pepsi Blue.
*Number of restaurants that ever served Pepsi Blue: 0
Are you losing hope? Is what’s important to you fading away?
Conception:
Dreams start off their life as ideas. Slowly they manifest in your everyday actions. They are born from you, and they require careful nurture or they will float away without you noticing. Will you rise with them? Will you protect them?
Be Positive:
Do you hardest to protect your dream from a cold harsh world. Don’t engage in conscious negative thought that might impact your dream’s well being. Your dream is still young, and its youth will be shaped from you influence.
“I don’t want you shooting this ball all day and night. You’ll excel in a lot of things just not this”
Remember that your dream is fragile and it needs all warmth it can get. You don’t want to see your dream adopted by someone else. It’s your creation and you must treat it like it’s the most important thing in the whole world.
Give it a chance, even for a day. Better yet, make it a month, a year, ten years if needed if not eighteen. Better to have tried and failed, than never have tried at all. Try not to steer the dream in the direction you believe it should. Be a guiding influence, and slowly the dream will grow on its own. Even without your supervision.
You’re the Authority:
There is going to be one major figure in your dream’s life as it grows up and matures. You. Check up occasionally on your dream’s friends and role models, place your dream in the right environment, where it can succeed and thrive. You never know when the wrong influence can guide your dream in the wrong direction.
“You’ll probably be about as good as I was”
There are no guarantees. Even if you work 110% percent toward your dream’s life, maybe someone else’s dream will work harder for them. Or maybe they won’t. Maybe your dream will make the right connections, meet the right people.
Maybe they’ll stay focused day after day.. Or maybe they’ll become a mere daydreamer at a decaying oak office desk. There is only one guarantee in life: change. There is no predictability, you don’t know what your dream will or will not do. You don’t know how they’ll react to hardships, to demands, to success. Don’t let your dream become a self fulfilling prophecy. A dream shouldn’t grow into a nightmare.
What to expect, when you’re expecting:
No matter what you do, your dream will find itself swimming in a sea of negativity. Enduring struggle after struggle, trying to get air. This is why the one person who shouldn’t contribute to these thoughts is you. There has never been a shortage of unhappiness in the world.
Peer Influence:
People can’t do something themselves they wanna tell you can’t do it
There are going to be other dreamers, ones that haven’t slept without an ambien in decades. The jaded ones, the ones that would rather sleep than be hopeful in insomnia. They have already given up, and they want you to sleep too. Watch who your dreams interact with, they can be some of their biggest motivators for success.. Or their primary cause of self destruction.
Not Quitting:
“Don’t ever let someone tell you, you can’t do something. Not even me.
There are going to be hard moments. Times you are going to want to quit on your dream. Days you are second guessing yourself. Don’t give in. Dig yourself out and think back to how your dream was when it was born. You didn’t even know how life-changing it would be.
All the sleepless nights worrying about your dream and what it was going to be up to, and how you felt unprepared at the vastness of it all. Countless hours spent looking for the right formula to keep your dream healthy. The dream was helpless without you back then, but now it’s on own. And some things are always going to be out of your control. But they don’t always have to be bad things. Great things can happen too.
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