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A Girl’s Guide to Facebook

female-vs-male-facebook
Girls can lead very active social lives on Facebook. Men can receive up to one notification a month from Candy Crush Saga.

Maintaining a Facebook profile for girls is a full time job. Imagine sifting through hundreds of adoring likes, messages, and lovable male desperation. It must get exhausting! So much so, many women will deactivate their Facebook if things get too hot. For men, it means logging on once a year to thank everybody for their birthday wishes.

Friend Zone Level 9000

white-knight-beta-9000-purchases-new-car-lol

Sometimes winning her heart means buying her a car. Being in the Friend Zone just isn’t good enough for some people. They want more. This is why plain old dinner dates don’t cut it anymore. If you aren’t secretly mortgaging your parent’s house to get that Like on Facebook from the girl of your dreams.. Well, you’re not even in the game. Step your game up!

This guy, Charm, is heading into new uncharted territory! A true American pioneer. Before guys just went into debt after marriage, now they’re doing it before the first date! Sign of the times, my friends.

Publicly Friendzoned

white-knighting-gone-wrongmj-laughing

Friendship anniversaries, because modern males are happy just standing next to a girl. Publicly Friendzoned guys used to aspire to just get a poke back in the early days of Facebook.

Now thanks to advances in technology, the whole world can be certain they’re not getting any! Whew, that was a close one. Thanks social media! #FriendZone

Every Guy on Facebook Ever

everybody-white-knights

Guys love professing to girls how special, magical, and wonderful they are on Facebook. All, in the hope of the 0.0001% chance this will lead them to somehow getting laid. Without fail, every male in the history of Facebook is guilty of doing this. We can’t help it. It’s probably coded into our DNA.

Back in the old days, they called them gentlemen callers. They would drop by in a nice suit, chat a little with the parents, maybe bring some roses. In the modern day, guys count how many months they have left before they’re allowed to text back without looking too needy.

How guys really think:

Brad Tapped It

white-knight-heart

George Clooney never made hearts on Facebook to win over a girl. It’s very simple, if you think ‘What Would George Clooney do?’ and it doesn’t come up. Well, then it probably isn’t too great an idea.

Without a doubt, Nikki messaged Brad that very same night, and became his ‘special sweetie’. Whatever that means. There is only one time this kind of photo should see the light of day, we call this time: never.

Friendship Rings: Male Virginity Intact

friendship-rings

Guys are always upping the bar and innovating. The dating game has been hit so hard recently thanks to recession, even friendship now requires a proposal. The sky truly is the limit. What’s next a best friend marriage? Best friend kids to raise? Best friend mortgages? George Clooney never gave out a friendship ring. In fact, he doesn’t give out any rings at all.

Written by Nir Regev

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Worst Moments in EDM History: Electric Zoo 2013

 

Worst Moments in EDM History : Electric Zoo 2013

You can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Burning up inside. Thirst rising and the situation uncompromising. They needed water to cool down. But unfortunately no one who cared was around. Two somber deaths occurred in Electric Zoo 2013, when MDMA (Molly) use caused a tragedy. Rampant open use of the drug Molly causing body temperature to accelerate, an inevitable catastrophe was brewing.

While more than a few featured artists wrote sorrow filled messages regarding the incident, their fans were much less forgiving.

One fan mentioned in a DNAinfo.com article had this to say: “If they cared about the concert-goers, they wouldn’t have canceled,” she said, adding that the festival was “just trying to look good for the mayor.” Others took to Twitter to display displeasure: “They could have at least attempted to tighten up security instead of CANCELING the whole damn day. #ezoo2013 #EZOO5 #idiots”. No remorse or regret. It could have been anyone.

A complete disaster occurred that day at Electric Zoo.

Yet, most fans failed to recognize their own mortality. Forget someone else’s. This could have been a time of self reflection. Instead it served as an ongoing symbol of the selfie ME-ME-ME era. Where people are more concerned with filling up hashtags for some likes than their own peers. After all, you can always find more peers in this disposable society. But likes and retweets, they are to be treasured.

Social media however, is not at fault. It is simply a microcosm, a reflection of our true self. It has given people a digital persona to release their inner thoughts out loud. No longer are they restricted by looking into the eyes of another. No longer judged as cruel or heartless. No.

There is no frown button online. No dislike one either for that matter. You can say what you want, when you want to. And even receive likes for it. Validation at discount rates. If this era’s generation could write #Whocares #Showgoeson and it was socially acceptable.. They would. They don’t care and they never have.

Maybe none of the generations of the past did either. But they didn’t get likes for saying so. They attended Woodstock not Electric Zoo. They wanted to meet people, not text ones they already knew. They took photos of the show, not themselves at it. Whatever the case.. Only one fact matters.

There will always be another three day pass, nothing can bring Jeffery and Olivia back.

Written by Nir Regev

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RoboBurger: Burger Robot Employees

Burger Robot - RoboBurger

Meet your replacement: Courtesy of Momentum Machines

Did you really think a career in the lucrative field of fast food would always be available to you? Well you were wrong my friends! The robots are coming, and they’re about to take your jobs. For years, the culinary acts of White Castle were looked at as a safe backup somewhere between entry to Columbia University and Lincoln Tech.

Times have changed! No longer can you expect to walk out with your Gibbs College Degree and expect to just serve whoppers for $7 dollars an hour. Those good times are in the past. There are now machines willing to do it for less. In fact, they’re even less self aware than Gibbs students because they’ll do it for free. We’re not even talking about a temporary internship. This time my friends, the robots will intern for an indefinite period. Forever. Burger robot employees are just more hard working.  They’re simply looking to support their families. The families of McDonalds Corp, Burger King, and Five Guys of course.

Who’s Doing This:

Momentum Machines, a company based out of California. They are looking to automate the burger process and have created the Alpha . Their machines are capable of of flipping over 360 burgers an hour. These burger robot employees are efficient, fast, and putting you out of work. Yes, for the first time outsourcing and elite high school recruiting are no longer necessary.

What You Should Do About It:

There are a few options. Go full blown Luddite and protest. Don’t buy from chains hiring burger robots. Apply to work for Momentum Machines.

How Tasty Will a Robot Burger be:

No worse than White Castle. Actually, maybe Momentum Machines might be on to something here. The robot future is bright my friends! RoboBurger is coming.

Odds Nothing Will Be Done:

1:1

Written by Nir Regev

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Diana Nyad Swims from Cuba to Florida at Age 64

You see that woman up there? Her name is Diana Nyad, and she just swam 110 miles from Cuba all the way to the shores of Key West Florida. She accomplished the feat in a stunning 53 hours without breaks. Diana Nyad, is a winner. She didn’t quit when the going got tough. Not even close.

This mythical-like swim was her fifth attempt. First time she tried it, you ask? 28 years old, and here she is now at 64 years young, accomplishing human wonders. That is what excellence is. Why it’s never too late. Not at 28, 38, or 68. She is a testament to determination, to persistence, and dedication.

Most people would have given up after attempt number one, forget four previous attempts. One of which consisted of getting stung multiple times in the face by sting-rays. But Diana didn’t care, she didn’t listen to the nay-sayers. To the constant stream of negativity flowing out of people’s mouths on a daily basis. When they told her she can’t, she did.

All pioneers are considered ‘crazy’ at first.

Otherwise, you would never hear about them in the first place. They’d be sitting back giving themselves reasons not to do something. It’s too dangerous, or it’s not practical, or logical. It’s always easier to check your Facebook notifications than take risks and actually do something. Anything. But she wanted more. She had a dream. And nobody, not you, me, the doctors, family or anybody else was gonna tell her different.

Be like Diana Nyad. That doesn’t mean go swimming from Cuba to Florida tomorrow. It means: Do something, Anything. Today.

Written by Nir Regev

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Hipsters Raising Cheap Beer Prices

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer - It has other Uses
*Pictured Above: The newest in hipster invention and originality –
The PBR Lamp.

**Not Pictured Above: Political Science degree, Occupy Wall St. badge, and ‘temporary’ unemployment.
Because sometimes in life you’re just in-between things. Forever.

According to new research conducted by the fine folks over at Restaurant Sciences, prices of cheap beer are spiraling out of control. The reason? Pabst Blue Ribbon beer!

They are the reason why “sub-premium” beer prices in the city have climbed 9.4% in the last seven months, say Restaurant Sciences, which tracks food and beverage sales nationwide.

Yes, my friends, it’s finally happened! In the ultimate hipster irony, PBR has actually become too popular and mainstream! Other beer companies are now actively seeking to price themselves out of your wallet. America’s former favorites are taking their business elsewhere. To a new target market, one that actually has ten dollars in cash, not just on their parents debit card. No longer can a fresh college grad, simply put down his McDonald’s name tag and picket sign out on the street and grab a cold one.. Or even a warm one! Sorry Corona fans.

The Walmart Effect: Drink PBR, Live PBR

Pabst Blur Ribbon - Coffee Drink

Dat poverty life is no doubt correlated to drinking can after can of PBR! 100% Foolproof my friends! Imagine, there you are a young lad suckered into drinking beer out of a can by your bearded ‘friends’. Before you know it, you yourself are donning a trucker hat, haven’t shaved in weeks, and getting mistaken for a hobo on a daily basis.

Young and impressionable you were, and just like that PBR becomes the only thing you can afford. You’ve been priced out of the market, suddenly you can only work jobs that can pay for your PBR. Since bars that sell PBR aren’t going for the high-end clientele, you meet a similar PBR wife at your new job as a PBR barback. She’s a little pudgy and her boobs are sagging all over the place, but in your PBR haze you don’t know any better. And then the time comes.. Your wife gives birth to a future hipster. Fulfilling the cycle of life. The hipster life. The horror. The unspeakable horror!

The Bearded Facts

Bearded Pabst Blue Ribbon PBR Beer Cans

According to an interview by leading scholarly paper the New York Daily News, the reason for PBR’s popularity is due to mainly one sole reason! Let’s take a look at what the Daily News’ finest uncovered. The infamous bearded facts with legendary local bartender Sam Rio:

PBR sells for $2 a can at the popular Welcome to the Johnson’s bar on the Lower East Side.

Sam Rio, bartender at Pete’s Candy Store in Williamsburg, said that’s the only reason to drink PBR.

“Personally, I think it tastes like s—,” said Rio, who sells it for $3 a can.”

There you have it! It may taste like PBR, but the cost is slightly less or equal to most consumers working wages.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. The reason you can’t afford shit.

pbr for life coors is too mainstream brah

PBR’s surging popularity has lead to complete economic disaster for students who once fathomed dreams! Dreams like affording a bottle of Stella Artois. Gone are the days when a young lad could just hop out with a 4 year degree and expect to purchases the luxuries in life!

“I believe the single biggest driver in sub-premium beer price increases is indeed specifically PBR,” said Chuck Ellis, who heads the research company. “It has become quite fashionable.”

Ellis reached that conclusion after his researchers tracked beer prices at 500 bars and restaurants across the city.

Researchers reason that since PBR has “become quite fashionable,” restaurants and bars feel justified charging more for it and other standard non-craft brews.

Best forget that Heineken and start saving up for a Corona… And even that is not safe. Or guaranteed. It’s time for a call to action! It’s time to Occupy Williamsburg!! We’ve suffered for way too long, my friends! Viva La Revolution!

Cat Ponders Murder of Owner. Euthanasia at work folks.

cat plots the end of hipsters

*Above cat was more masculine than a whole generation of hipsters. No beard needed.

Written by Nir Regev

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