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Top 10 Mayonnaise Brands for White People

honey-boo-boo-mama-spots-mayonnaise

When we aren’t busy building empires, white people occasionally enjoy recreational activities like eating Mayonnaise.

It’s one of the few tried and true traditions we’ve kept and we’re not about to give it up. No sir! Mayonnaise represents the building blocks of white civilization. Our food palette simply can’t deal with soy sauce on everything, and besides soy has estrogen in it.

And we’re too manly for that, thanks. We’re not about to risk growing boobs because we stopped by P.F Changs once! Hot sauce? Nah. That’s just not for us, when white people talk about spicing things up, we mean not dousing everything in Ranch Dressing.

1) Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise

White People Cooking:
hellmanns-mayonnaise-white-people-cooking

White dishes have a very distinct flavor and taste. We really believe in things like rocking the boat and being different. We like to mix things up!

That said, let’s not go nuts! If it ain’t covered in Hellmann’s Original, the G.O.A.T of white taste and elegance, it may as well be Chinese. And we don’t speak Panda Express around these parts. If we do accidentally order take out, you can be certain we have some emergency Hellman’s Mayo fast food packets laying around. This is why all western ‘fusion’ Sushi is just code-word for the amount of added mayo.

White people using a unique blend of spices to create an artful dish:

Whew! That was a close one. Grandma can rest easy tonight.

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Hellmann’s contains eggs as an ingredient, which has protein. Protein builds muscle.”

 

 

2) Spectrum Canola Mayonnaise

Spectrum, a company concerned about the details of your health. But not so much details like spelling their products correctly:

spectrum-canola-mayonnaise-misspelling-comedy

Spectrum has long cornered the market on the organic free-wheelin’ modern day hipster. Promoting to millions a calmer, healthier mayo using Canola Oil.

Usually, you’ll spot its enthusiasts over at Whole Foods deciding which brand of stale Kale Chips to put it on. Probably, the brand that costs at least fifteen dollars. Not pictured above: recycled organic paper bag with “detachable” handles to carry your new Mayo in.

What Black People Use Organic Mayonnaise For:

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Was too busy buying quinoa to plant the yard. However, organic is always better. I’ve uh— read studies…”

 

 

3) Kewpie

Meanwhile in Japan:
Kewpie-Japan-Mayonnaise

Kewpie mayo, is unique in its added MSG content and exclusive use of egg yolks instead of whole eggs. A delicious healthy combination. It’s also famous for its iconic baby character, welcoming new borns to the exciting world of being really, really fucking fat.

Spectrum is already back to the drawing boards after this game changer!

The Japanese, one step ahead of the West in the Mayo game:

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Egg yolks have protein. Simply eat, take a multi, and ‘tren’ heavy in the gym.”

 

 

4) Miracle Whip

An Asian woman in a Miracle Whip ad. Quite a rare sight.
asian-in-miracle-whip-ad

Miracle Whip is the pauper Mayo when you’re at the super market and they’ve somehow miraculously run out of Hellman’s. When such a tragedy has occurred you might try to fool others with the ‘Whip, but somehow they always find out. Like a fake Gucchi bag off of Times Square before it, Miracle Whip certainly looks like Hellman’s own. But do you truly want to risk it? Well, do you?

The 80s were a strange time:

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Put Miracle Whip in Hellmann’s jar and serve unsuspecting family for maximum trolling.”

 

 

5) Goya

Number of times Goya Mayonnaise has been bought over competing brand: Never.
goya-mayonnaise

Goya, a company known for its latin flavor decided to throw its own wrench into the lucrative mayo market. Little did they know what they were up against. Kind of like if white people were going to enter the Tostitos chip racket. Wait a second.. Frito Lay did do that! Clearly, Goya should read up on this.

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Bought, expecting salsa.”

 

 

 

6) Dukes

dukes-mayonnaise-food-truck

Duke’s Mayo food trucks  are about to storm America! White people weren’t content just buying mayo at the grocery store, or supermarket, or at fast food places, restaurants, gas stations, and everywhere else. They need it mobile in case of drastic measures! We can’t take a chance on having to put some other condiment on our picnic Wonderbread! Thank you very much!

Regular ole’ white person lunch. Probably an Irish fellow.
the-american-dream-mayonnaise-for-breakfast-lunch-and-dinner

Proper Usage of Duke’s Mayonnaise: On Everything.

“Or maybe even a chocolate cake”

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“One time as a youngster, I attempted to prank my friends and family. I covered every dinner dish on the table in mayo, half an hour before anyone sat…. But then they all liked it.”

 

7) Heinz Mayo

heinz-mayo-single-serve

Most people only recognize Heinz Mayo from fast food packets received at their local Subway. However, Heinz is actually one of the leading brands of mayo over in the U.K. Everything was going just dandy for Heinz overseas.. Until they decided to do an ad portraying two gay men with one as a New York style deli man with full on garb called “mom” by his children. “Ain’t you forgetting something” you hear him say as his partner comes over to give him a kiss.

The ad drew hundreds of complaints quickly and was pulled by Heinz. Only for the company to be looked at as Homophobic for pulling the ad. In the end, they offended both markets. Heinz was probably better off never releasing anything at all, as who really wanted to know the sexual views of their favorite food condiments.

The Heinz Mayo Ad pulled out in the U.K

 

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Protein.”

 

 

 

8) Kraft

Kraft Mayonnaise.. It’s always on sale.
kraft-mayonnaise-always-on-sale
Kind of like a cross between Mayo and Miracle whip. Kraft Mayo is right in the middle of most supermarkets, it’s not quite as good as Hellmann’s and not different enough for the Miracle chasers. So it’s on sale, permanently.

Only then will people consider going against the legacy of excellence Hellmann’s brings to the table. Kraft mayo is for when you’re down and out, eating ramen noodles on most days and mayo by itself the other ones. Claiming to look for a job online on Monster.com, but secretly playing Call of Duty instead when nobody’s looking.

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“New Discount: Buy 1 get 4 free…. Would still rather one jar of Hellmann’s instead.”

 

 

9) Baconnaise

baconnaise-and-baconnaise-light

It finally happened like some Canadian wet dream! Bacon and Mayo combined to create Baconnaise, and the most amazing part of it all. It’s vegetarian ready and kosher certified of all things. How mayo designed to taste like Bacon came up to be less calories than regular Mayo brands, and vegetarian and kosher ready, the world will never know.

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Why would vegetarians want to eat something imitating a meat product? Soy hot dogs have always been a curious wonder as well.”

 

 

10) Hair Mayonnaise
hair-mayonnaise
Looks like that girl on youtube was on to something after all. Mayo in hair seems sticky and pretty gross. But hey, at least its organic! No olive oil was spared. Mayo, the only food product that you can eat and fix your split ends with at the same time!

dr-broscience-m-d

Dr. BroScience M.D Tip -

“Hair Mayonnaise! It’s what’s for dinner!”

 

 

 

-Written by Nir Regev

 

{ 2 comments… add one }

  • Alison V August 4, 2014, 8:14 pm

    I love the fact that I can buy “new” (meaning not used) mayonnaise from Amazon for just pennies more.

  • Android August 20, 2014, 10:17 pm

    The funniest thing I have ever read in awhile.

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