Facebook

A Girl’s Guide to Facebook

by Nir Regev on June 25, 2013

Girls can lead very active social lives on Facebook. Men can receive up to one notification a month from Candy Crush Saga.

Maintaining a Facebook profile for girls is a full time job. Imagine sifting through hundreds of adoring likes, messages, and lovable male desperation. It must get exhausting! So much so, many women will deactivate their Facebook if things get too hot. For men, it means logging on once a year to thank everybody for their birthday wishes.

Friend Zone Level 9000

white-knight-beta-9000-purchases-new-car-lol

Sometimes winning her heart means buying her a car. Being in the Friend Zone just isn’t good enough for some people. They want more. This is why plain old dinner dates don’t cut it anymore. If you aren’t secretly mortgaging your parent’s house to get that Like on Facebook from the girl of your dreams.. Well, you’re not even in the game. Step your game up!

This guy, Charm, is heading into new uncharted territory! A true American pioneer. Before guys just went into debt after marriage, now they’re doing it before the first date! Sign of the times, my friends.

Publicly Friendzoned

Friendship anniversaries, because modern males are happy just standing next to a girl. Publicly Friendzoned guys used to aspire to just get a poke back in the early days of Facebook.

Now thanks to advances in technology, the whole world can be certain they’re not getting any! Whew, that was a close one. Thanks social media! #FriendZone

Every Guy on Facebook Ever

Guys love professing to girls how special, magical, and wonderful they are on Facebook. All, in the hope of the 0.0001% chance this will lead them to somehow getting laid. Without fail, every male in the history of Facebook is guilty of doing this. We can’t help it. It’s probably coded into our DNA.

Back in the old days, they called them gentlemen callers. They would drop by in a nice suit, chat a little with the parents, maybe bring some roses. In the modern day, guys count how many months they have left before they’re allowed to text back without looking too needy.

How guys really think:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCFB2akLh4s

Brad Tapped It

George Clooney never made hearts on Facebook to win over a girl. It’s very simple, if you think ‘What Would George Clooney do?’ and it doesn’t come up. Well, then it probably isn’t too great an idea.

Without a doubt, Nikki messaged Brad that very same night, and became his ‘special sweetie’. Whatever that means. There is only one time this kind of photo should see the light of day, we call this time: never.

Friendship Rings: Male Virginity Intact

Guys are always upping the bar and innovating. The dating game has been hit so hard recently thanks to recession, even friendship now requires a proposal. The sky truly is the limit. What’s next a best friend marriage? Best friend kids to raise? Best friend mortgages? George Clooney never gave out a friendship ring. In fact, he doesn’t give out any rings at all.

Written by Nir Regev

Top 10 Types of People on Facebook

by Nir Regev on November 24, 2010

1) The 10 out of 10

Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status. Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.

2) Spamatron 5000

Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.

3) The Attention Whore

Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.

Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4) White Knight Virgin

Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.

Don’t end up like this guy:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuZeU-SjgJQ

5) Forever Alone

Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.

6) The Myspace Angle

Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.

7) Captain Deactivate

Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.

8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool

Before:

After:

How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.

9) Never Logon Dude

He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.

10) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.

-Written by Nir Regev