Meet your replacement: Courtesy of Momentum Machines
Did you really think a career in the lucrative field of fast food would always be available to you? Well you were wrong my friends! The robots are coming, and they’re about to take your jobs. For years, the culinary acts of White Castle were looked at as a safe backup somewhere between entry to Columbia University and Lincoln Tech.
Times have changed! No longer can you expect to walk out with your Gibbs College Degree and expect to just serve whoppers for $7 dollars an hour. Those good times are in the past. There are now machines willing to do it for less. In fact, they’re even less self aware than Gibbs students because they’ll do it for free. We’re not even talking about a temporary internship. This time my friends, the robots will intern for an indefinite period. Forever. Burger robot employees are just more hard working. They’re simply looking to support their families. The families of McDonalds Corp, Burger King, and Five Guys of course.
Who’s Doing This:
Momentum Machines, a company based out of California. They are looking to automate the burger process and have created the Alpha . Their machines are capable of of flipping over 360 burgers an hour. These burger robot employees are efficient, fast, and putting you out of work. Yes, for the first time outsourcing and elite high school recruiting are no longer necessary.
What You Should Do About It:
There are a few options. Go full blown Luddite and protest. Don’t buy from chains hiring burger robots. Apply to work for Momentum Machines.
How Tasty Will a Robot Burger be:
No worse than White Castle. Actually, maybe Momentum Machines might be on to something here. The robot future is bright my friends! RoboBurger is coming.
*Pictured Above: The newest in hipster invention and originality – The PBR Lamp.
**Not Pictured Above: Political Science degree, Occupy Wall St. badge, and ‘temporary’ unemployment. Because sometimes in life you’re just in-between things. Forever.
According to new research conducted by the fine folks over at Restaurant Sciences, prices of cheap beer are spiraling out of control. The reason? Pabst Blue Ribbon beer!
They are the reason why “sub-premium” beer prices in the city have climbed 9.4% in the last seven months, say Restaurant Sciences, which tracks food and beverage sales nationwide.
Yes, my friends, it’s finally happened! In the ultimate hipster irony, PBR has actually become too popular and mainstream! Other beer companies are now actively seeking to price themselves out of your wallet. America’s former favorites are taking their business elsewhere. To a new target market, one that actually has ten dollars in cash, not just on their parents debit card. No longer can a fresh college grad, simply put down his McDonald’s name tag and picket sign out on the street and grab a cold one.. Or even a warm one! Sorry Corona fans.
The Walmart Effect: Drink PBR, Live PBR
Dat poverty life is no doubt correlated to drinking can after can of PBR! 100% Foolproof my friends! Imagine, there you are a young lad suckered into drinking beer out of a can by your bearded ‘friends’. Before you know it, you yourself are donning a trucker hat, haven’t shaved in weeks, and getting mistaken for a hobo on a daily basis.
Young and impressionable you were, and just like that PBR becomes the only thing you can afford. You’ve been priced out of the market, suddenly you can only work jobs that can pay for your PBR. Since bars that sell PBR aren’t going for the high-end clientele, you meet a similar PBR wife at your new job as a PBR barback. She’s a little pudgy and her boobs are sagging all over the place, but in your PBR haze you don’t know any better. And then the time comes.. Your wife gives birth to a future hipster. Fulfilling the cycle of life. The hipster life. The horror. The unspeakable horror!
The Bearded Facts
According to an interview by leading scholarly paper the New York Daily News, the reason for PBR’s popularity is due to mainly one sole reason! Let’s take a look at what the Daily News’ finest uncovered. The infamous bearded facts with legendary local bartender Sam Rio:
PBR sells for $2 a can at the popular Welcome to the Johnson’s bar on the Lower East Side.
Sam Rio, bartender at Pete’s Candy Store in Williamsburg, said that’s the only reason to drink PBR.
“Personally, I think it tastes like s—,” said Rio, who sells it for $3 a can.”
There you have it! It may taste like PBR, but the cost is slightly less or equal to most consumers working wages.
Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. The reason you can’t afford shit.
PBR’s surging popularity has lead to complete economic disaster for students who once fathomed dreams! Dreams like affording a bottle of Stella Artois. Gone are the days when a young lad could just hop out with a 4 year degree and expect to purchases the luxuries in life!
“I believe the single biggest driver in sub-premium beer price increases is indeed specifically PBR,” said Chuck Ellis, who heads the research company. “It has become quite fashionable.”
Ellis reached that conclusion after his researchers tracked beer prices at 500 bars and restaurants across the city.
Researchers reason that since PBR has “become quite fashionable,” restaurants and bars feel justified charging more for it and other standard non-craft brews.
Best forget that Heineken and start saving up for a Corona… And even that is not safe. Or guaranteed. It’s time for a call to action! It’s time to Occupy Williamsburg!! We’ve suffered for way too long, my friends! Viva La Revolution!
Cat Ponders Murder of Owner. Euthanasia at work folks.
*Above cat was more masculine than a whole generation of hipsters. No beard needed.
In the beginning there was ketchup, and it was red and it was all good. Wait, this was no good at all! And so in the 90s ketchup turned purple, and green, and everything in between! For months legions of people gathered around the pearly gates of Heinz factory like the old wall in Jerusalem before it.
Praying that their fast food condiment lord and daddy, change the color of their beloved ketchup to something that more closely resembled their childhood Crayola box. And those prayers did not go unanswered, my friends! Heinz is one of the people, afterall. Consider us to live in the A.EZ era. For After E-Z Squirt. Never again will we walk the Earth and know the joy that is squirting purple goop on our French Fries! Let us remember the good times.
*Still Better Than Hunt’s Ketchup
2) Cheetos Lip Balm
Ready for that first kiss. Wonder what she’ll taste like? Will it be sugar and spice and everything nice? Or Cheetos flavor? Did you even have to ask? Snack and make out at the same time! That’s right for the first time Frito-Lay delivered the product Maybelline didn’t have the ovaries to release. Every girl’s dream! Because what better way to make a kiss extra special, then to seal it with some cheese dust.
*It ain’t easy being cheesy.
3) Coors Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water
Poland Spring better watch out ’cause there’s a new sheriff in town! Everything looked smooth and crisp in the taste tests. Until volunteers realized they weren’t getting drunk at all. Straight from the Rocky Mountains came Coors first non-alcoholic drink, coincidentally tasting the same as it’s alcoholic drinks. Teenagers around the country were left devastated, out $4 bucks as they went back to pouring Vodka in their water bottles instead.
*Hundreds of kids thought they pulled a fast one at 7-11 with their fake ID. Maybe Coors won after all.
4) Gerber Singles
Finally out on your own? In college with the big kids? Well, what better way to celebrate than with Gerber Singles?! The first Gerber aimed at adults, particularly the 20-30 year old crowd. This was back during the 70s before hipsters. At the time, Gerber was still caught in a drug filled haze where creamed beef flavored Gerber was all the rage.
Really this product was released before it’s time. Hollywood Starlets happily scoop up the Gerber aisle at supermarkets these days to keep their figure, leaving a generation of children with the quality nutrition that can only be found on the dollar menu.
*Nowadays college aged males keep important food items like mustard in their fridge for sustenance. And nothing else!
5) Pepsi Blue
If you ever wanted to see what your teeth would look like blue. This was your one shot! Coming out in 2002, an awkward phase of the early 2000s, this was the answer Pepsi had for Vanilla Coke. A carbonated version of Listerine, except no mouth wash would remove these inevitable stains. It was pure magic in a can! A sugar rush of epic proportions!
But really it tasted the way you’d imagine a blue colored version of Pepsi to taste like. Like a homeless man’s Hawaiian Punch on a bad day.
Actually that’s being too cruel to the homeless… Even they wouldn’t resort to Pepsi Blue.
*Number of restaurants that ever served Pepsi Blue: 0
-Written by Nir Regev
Created by Nir Regev
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