≡ Menu

Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

Manly Role Model: Snake Plissken
Famous For: Escape from New York, Escape from L.A.

Snake’s Resume

Gents, take a peek into the life of a bloke who didn’t squander their time checking Facebook notifications. World War III renegade Snake Plissken, the youngest man to be decorated by a U.S. President. Two purple hearts in Leningrad and Siberia. It might seem like a crazy notion now, but in the 80s and 90s people used to go outside. And not just to check their smartphones at the mall. Yes, a couple of best bros might actually venture out to the scary alien landscape of Full Definition. Action was taken. Thanks to the internet, today a man is only as hardworking as the timing of their last wank. In other words, everybody’s asleep. Men have been in hibernation for the last decade.

Our film protagonists reflect this drowsy reality. With the lone exception of 24’s Jack Bauer. Gone are the days of a clear good and evil. Actions first, questions later? Quietly retired. In it’s place, a never-ending loop of second guessing that would make a Kardashian blush. Groupthink via status update. Snake Plissken saved the U.S. President in the amount of time most guys analyze if they texted the town bicycle back too quickly.

Let’s go vintage and rewind the tapes. Blockbuster style. Just kidding, we’re actually gonna do it. Let’s reminiscence about the fictional world of one of the last true manly role models. Call me Snake.

Snake in Diplomatic Negotiations
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken Negotiates

Pictured Above: Snake politely engages the enemy in diplomatic discourse. Vintage sanctions my friends! This is what red lines looked like in the 80s.

Snake Discusses Small Government
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

What we all secretly wanna say when one of those hassling interns blocks your path on the sidewalk with their clipboard. Can’t you see I’m going to the gym fucker?

A Manly AnswerManly Role Models: Snake PlisskenManly Role Models: Snake Plissken

A manly answer not only sounds good, it feels good. Simply think: ‘What would Snake do?’ In any and all situations.

Role Model. Hero. Whatever.
Manly Role Models: Snake Plissken

                                  Snake Plissken

Written by Nir Regev

Learn from Snake:
Escape from New York (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo in Blu-ray Packaging)John Carpenter’s Escape From L.A. [Blu-ray]

{ 1 comment }

RoboBurger: Burger Robot Employees

Burger Robot - RoboBurger

Meet your replacement: Courtesy of Momentum Machines

Did you really think a career in the lucrative field of fast food would always be available to you? Well you were wrong my friends! The robots are coming, and they’re about to take your jobs. For years, the culinary acts of White Castle were looked at as a safe backup somewhere between entry to Columbia University and Lincoln Tech.

Times have changed! No longer can you expect to walk out with your Gibbs College Degree and expect to just serve whoppers for $7 dollars an hour. Those good times are in the past. There are now machines willing to do it for less. In fact, they’re even less self aware than Gibbs students because they’ll do it for free. We’re not even talking about a temporary internship. This time my friends, the robots will intern for an indefinite period. Forever. Burger robot employees are just more hard working.  They’re simply looking to support their families. The families of McDonalds Corp, Burger King, and Five Guys of course.

Who’s Doing This:

Momentum Machines, a company based out of California. They are looking to automate the burger process and have created the Alpha . Their machines are capable of of flipping over 360 burgers an hour. These burger robot employees are efficient, fast, and putting you out of work. Yes, for the first time outsourcing and elite high school recruiting are no longer necessary.

What You Should Do About It:

There are a few options. Go full blown Luddite and protest. Don’t buy from chains hiring burger robots. Apply to work for Momentum Machines.

How Tasty Will a Robot Burger be:

No worse than White Castle. Actually, maybe Momentum Machines might be on to something here. The robot future is bright my friends! RoboBurger is coming.

Odds Nothing Will Be Done:

1:1

Written by Nir Regev

{ 0 comments }

Diana Nyad Swims from Cuba to Florida at Age 64

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rf4xism3nCE

You see that woman up there? Her name is Diana Nyad, and she just swam 110 miles from Cuba all the way to the shores of Key West Florida. She accomplished the feat in a stunning 53 hours without breaks. Diana Nyad, is a winner. She didn’t quit when the going got tough. Not even close.

This mythical-like swim was her fifth attempt. First time she tried it, you ask? 28 years old, and here she is now at 64 years young, accomplishing human wonders. That is what excellence is. Why it’s never too late. Not at 28, 38, or 68. She is a testament to determination, to persistence, and dedication.

Most people would have given up after attempt number one, forget four previous attempts. One of which consisted of getting stung multiple times in the face by sting-rays. But Diana didn’t care, she didn’t listen to the nay-sayers. To the constant stream of negativity flowing out of people’s mouths on a daily basis. When they told her she can’t, she did.

All pioneers are considered ‘crazy’ at first.

Otherwise, you would never hear about them in the first place. They’d be sitting back giving themselves reasons not to do something. It’s too dangerous, or it’s not practical, or logical. It’s always easier to check your Facebook notifications than take risks and actually do something. Anything. But she wanted more. She had a dream. And nobody, not you, me, the doctors, family or anybody else was gonna tell her different.

Be like Diana Nyad. That doesn’t mean go swimming from Cuba to Florida tomorrow. It means: Do something, Anything. Today.

Written by Nir Regev

{ 0 comments }

A Girl’s Guide to Facebook

female-vs-male-facebook
Girls can lead very active social lives on Facebook. Men can receive up to one notification a month from Candy Crush Saga.

Maintaining a Facebook profile for girls is a full time job. Imagine sifting through hundreds of adoring likes, messages, and lovable male desperation. It must get exhausting! So much so, many women will deactivate their Facebook if things get too hot. For men, it means logging on once a year to thank everybody for their birthday wishes.

Friend Zone Level 9000

white-knight-beta-9000-purchases-new-car-lol

Sometimes winning her heart means buying her a car. Being in the Friend Zone just isn’t good enough for some people. They want more. This is why plain old dinner dates don’t cut it anymore. If you aren’t secretly mortgaging your parent’s house to get that Like on Facebook from the girl of your dreams.. Well, you’re not even in the game. Step your game up!

This guy, Charm, is heading into new uncharted territory! A true American pioneer. Before guys just went into debt after marriage, now they’re doing it before the first date! Sign of the times, my friends.

Publicly Friendzoned

white-knighting-gone-wrongmj-laughing

Friendship anniversaries, because modern males are happy just standing next to a girl. Publicly Friendzoned guys used to aspire to just get a poke back in the early days of Facebook.

Now thanks to advances in technology, the whole world can be certain they’re not getting any! Whew, that was a close one. Thanks social media! #FriendZone

Every Guy on Facebook Ever

everybody-white-knights

Guys love professing to girls how special, magical, and wonderful they are on Facebook. All, in the hope of the 0.0001% chance this will lead them to somehow getting laid. Without fail, every male in the history of Facebook is guilty of doing this. We can’t help it. It’s probably coded into our DNA.

Back in the old days, they called them gentlemen callers. They would drop by in a nice suit, chat a little with the parents, maybe bring some roses. In the modern day, guys count how many months they have left before they’re allowed to text back without looking too needy.

How guys really think:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCFB2akLh4s

Brad Tapped It

white-knight-heart

George Clooney never made hearts on Facebook to win over a girl. It’s very simple, if you think ‘What Would George Clooney do?’ and it doesn’t come up. Well, then it probably isn’t too great an idea.

Without a doubt, Nikki messaged Brad that very same night, and became his ‘special sweetie’. Whatever that means. There is only one time this kind of photo should see the light of day, we call this time: never.

Friendship Rings: Male Virginity Intact

friendship-rings

Guys are always upping the bar and innovating. The dating game has been hit so hard recently thanks to recession, even friendship now requires a proposal. The sky truly is the limit. What’s next a best friend marriage? Best friend kids to raise? Best friend mortgages? George Clooney never gave out a friendship ring. In fact, he doesn’t give out any rings at all.

Written by Nir Regev

{ 0 comments }

Top 5 Worst Food Ideas

1) Heinz E-Z Squirt Ketchup

heinz purple ketchup

In the beginning there was ketchup, and it was red and it was all good.
Wait, this was no good at all! And so in the 90s ketchup turned purple, and
green, and everything in between! For months legions of people gathered
around the pearly gates of Heinz factory like the old wall in Jerusalem before it.

Praying that their fast food condiment lord and daddy, change the color of
their beloved ketchup to something that more closely resembled their childhood
Crayola box. And those prayers did not go unanswered, my friends! Heinz is
one of the people, afterall. Consider us to live in the A.EZ era. For After E-Z Squirt.
Never again will we walk the Earth and know the joy that is squirting purple goop on our French Fries! Let us remember the good times.

heinz ez squirt ketchup ad

*Still Better Than Hunt’s Ketchup

2) Cheetos Lip Balm

cheetos-lip-balm

Ready for that first kiss. Wonder what she’ll taste like? Will it be sugar and spice and everything nice? Or Cheetos flavor? Did you even have to ask? Snack and make out at the same time! That’s right for the first time Frito-Lay delivered the product Maybelline didn’t have the ovaries to release. Every girl’s dream!
Because what better way to make a kiss extra special, then to seal it with some cheese dust.

*It ain’t easy being cheesy.

3) Coors Rocky Mountain Sparkling Water

coors water

Poland Spring better watch out ’cause there’s a new sheriff in town! Everything looked smooth and crisp in the taste tests. Until volunteers realized they weren’t getting drunk at all. Straight from the Rocky Mountains came Coors first non-alcoholic drink, coincidentally tasting the same as it’s alcoholic drinks. Teenagers around the country were left devastated, out $4 bucks as they went back to pouring Vodka in their water bottles instead.

*Hundreds of kids thought they pulled a fast one at 7-11 with their fake ID. Maybe Coors won after all.

4) Gerber Singles

gerber singles

Finally out on your own? In college with the big kids?
Well, what better way to celebrate than with Gerber Singles?!
The first Gerber aimed at adults, particularly the 20-30 year old crowd. This was back during the 70s before hipsters. At the time, Gerber was still caught in a drug filled haze where creamed beef flavored Gerber was all the rage.

Really this product was released before it’s time. Hollywood Starlets happily scoop up the Gerber aisle at supermarkets these days to keep their figure, leaving a generation of children with the quality nutrition that can only be found on the dollar menu.

*Nowadays college aged males keep important food items like mustard in their fridge for sustenance. And nothing else!

5) Pepsi Blue

Pepsi Blue
If you ever wanted to see what your teeth would look like blue. This was your one shot! Coming out in 2002, an awkward phase of the early 2000s, this was the answer Pepsi had for Vanilla Coke. A carbonated version of Listerine, except no mouth wash would remove these inevitable stains. It was pure magic in a can! A sugar rush of epic proportions!

But really it tasted the way you’d imagine a blue colored version of Pepsi to taste like. Like a homeless man’s Hawaiian Punch on a bad day.

Actually that’s being too cruel to the homeless…
Even they wouldn’t resort to Pepsi Blue.

pepsi blue bottles
*Number of restaurants that ever served Pepsi Blue: 0

-Written by Nir Regev

{ 0 comments }